Universe: 1, SheBee: 0

So there I am on my way to see Bad Brad, a mate of mine who’s moved to Durban.  Finally – a buddy from my hometown nearby! He calls to ask me to pop in at the garage to pick up a pack of smokes. After nearly being rammed up the frigging ass by a taxi who tries to park his bonnet in my boot at the traffic lights, I turn left into the Garage and park right outside the doors of the 24hr One Stop.

Inside, I contemplate buying myself a box of smokes too, but my will to not, wins. The cashier (inaptly named ‘Intelligence’) hands over the smokes for Bad Brad and I hand over my plastic to pay for them. But out of the corner of my eye, I see my blue Chico Golf rolling backwards with its lights on.

Holy shitballs, I panic, whilst frozen in confusion and shock.

My body mock charges towards the door, then stops in doubt, then starts again, then stops at the fucking electric- door- that- won’t- open- quick- enough, damnit! Ten million years later, I manage to exit the One Stop at the speed of light to the sounds of Intelligence and crew in the shop behind me “Haaibo and Eish’ing” to their hearts content, convinced I’ve just done a runner.

Tearing up to the outside the car window, I scream at the man sitting in the driving spot:

DUDE! PRESS ON THE BREAKS! ITS ROLLING BACK, PRESS- ON- THE- FUCKING- BREA-hey, wait! Excuse me please, but why the fuck are you driving my car?

*please insert murderous thoughts here*

YOU GET OUT OF MY CAR YOU CRIMINAL! GET! OUT! PETROL DUDES, YOU GUYYYYS – HE’S STEALING MY CAR, MAN! CALL THE POLICE, DIPSHITS!

Rapidly the man rolls down the window, looking terrified, “Please! L-l-lady! Calm down, please, calm down! What is it that you want? I have no money on me! Do you have you, do you got a gun, laydee?”

My thoughts: What? What?! What the hell would he ask if I had a gun f– oh, shit. Oh no…

Cringingly, I look up and around me a little bit. Oh please god, no.

Over the roof of this blue Chico Golf, I see another, bluer, Chico Golf.  Right in the next parking bay to this particular blue Chico Golf THAT I THINK IS BEING STOLEN, I see MY blue Chico Golf.  Right next to it.  In the next parking bay.  Untouched and unstarted.  Not being stolen in the slightest manner of any way.

I. Have. Not. The. Words.

38 comments

  1. Amy says:

    Oh, I have the words……

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

    OKay, technically not a word nor words, but it’ll do.

    P.S Go to my blog and pick up your award before it gets not-stolen too…..

  2. shebee says:

    Hehehehee. Yeah okay, its funny.

    I saw your award yesterday my love, thank you 🙂 It actually inspired the launched competition, I’ll have you know 🙂

  3. SwissTwist says:

    OMG!!! I fell off my chair laughing… hahahahahhahahaha.. you poor thing!

    I hope you bought your would-be-hijack-victum a drink after, I’m sure he needed it!

  4. shebee says:

    Dude, I was the “would be hijacker”. I mean, honestly, could you imagine?

    Shitting hell, I wanted to crawl up my own bumhole after that.

  5. shebee says:

    Red, dude, I hadn’t even thought of that. Especially in good ole Debben, where the gangstas run rife!

    Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Coulda been lethal man!

  6. cathjenkin says:

    dude.

    mailed your story around the office

    questions are now being asked “how is it possible that two such extraordinarily discohordinated people can live together and not completely fuck it up as yet?”

    hahas

  7. leez08 says:

    Wow, you’re the first blog today thats made me fall off my swiveling chair laughing. If I still drank coffee it would be coming through my nose.

    p.s. Somehow I knew you drived a blue chico…

  8. expensivemistakescheapthrills says:

    you win Genie-Ass of the Day award.

    No lies, handsdown winner.

    Probably of all time, too.

  9. shebee says:

    Leez – you only knew because I’ve told you before, chop! Do you not pay attention in IM?

    Exmi – ag bite me, man! I’m still waiting on that email, yo.

  10. LLB says:

    Sheen, the thought darling, the thought!!! Only you. I am still killing myself laughing – you are hysterical….
    made my day!

  11. shebee says:

    Rafiki & Dylan – TYFYC’s.

    Gluggie – I just *knew* you’d see things my way.

    JBC – you entering my compo, chickie???

    And hey, just so everyone knows, I want royalties for any such movie, mkay?

  12. Stew says:

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    *sweat*

    hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah cough gasp sputter

    lord.

    You kill me

  13. Amy-Lee says:

    NO FRIKKIN WAY
    Real Life?
    And you had the guts to make it public! I cant tell people stuff like that- it makes me want to die all over again!
    Incredible.
    U must be a special type of ass.

  14. angel says:

    oh my fuckity fuck fuck… i am crying with laughter… had to read it to my colleagues shebeeliciousness.
    i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, only you darling, only you!!!

  15. Bonita says:

    I’VE DONE THAT TOO!! haha!! outside a club one eve, saw these guys getting into my car.. started running towards them shouting.. then I realised.. **blush!!**

    my friend who was with me at the time had a valid point too: what exactly was tiny me going to do about 4 big guys “stealing” my car?! 😛

  16. whosboo says:

    The funny thing about blogs – YEARS later they can bring up embarrassing memories. Oh my word I have just laughed so much!

    good luck tomorrow! you’re gonna look amazing (which is of course even better than amazeballs) without the specs on!

    b

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