Ten Nevers

When camping with your family, and a bunch of other people, all there at the same place for someone’s birthday, please adhere to the following:

  1. Never think for one single second that you will get to bed sober and in a straight line, thats if you make it to bed at all.
  2. Never flick a spider with a twig – it lands on your future brother – in law and causes him to lose face by screaming like a girl in front of all the men in his future family
  3. Never forget that river rafting can be dangerous, especially when you make it all the way down the frigging river, only to slip on the rocks when you’re trying to get out the water.  Calcium turns to sunlight-liquid soap form, apparently.
  4. Never overhear gossiping about the host in the toilet stall next door, it puts you at advantage and in control, but also, makes you feel guilty for not saying anything.
  5. Never sleep with your caravan windows wide open, not only will you wake up with blotches all over your face, you will have no ability to breathe through your nose due to congestion, and your lungs will shrink and grow layers of molten phlegm around them.
  6. Never trust a man who offers to make you condensed milk camping coffee – there’s bound to be weed in it.  Or in the stew, for that matter.  Or the tea, shooters, muffins, cake, bread loaves…
  7. Never forget to wear shoes in the shower – you can pick up all sorts of fungi in there.  Also, frogs.
  8. On that note, NEVER step into a shower where you can’t see any light.  Its just a stupid thing to do.
  9. Never pitch a tent on a slope.  Ha – ha – ha!  I’m still laughing at those assholes who did.  Woke up with half of themselves down the hill and out the tent, in the rain.
  10. Never admit to being blog owner, you will get hunted down online.  Hey John and Michael!  Now bugger off and don’t come back here.

So, despite being accosted by young males everywhere, having my picture taken with two drunken girls I will never in my life again meet, hopping around on one foot because I stood on a frog with the other, fighting off nunu’s and ants and avoiding fish in a rock pool, I made it.  Alive.  I actually did enjoy it too, so take that!

This entry was posted in Camping.