Not long ago my mom dragged Wok and Kev up for the weekend.

Aside from my chop brother going up and down the ‘electric stairs’ in every mall repeatedly (sitting at dinner Wok took turns nagging each sibling to please go up and down the escalators near Gateways amphitheatre over and over and over again again) my mom is an insane woman in city centre.  Repeatedly asking me if my car door is locked and to watch out for that man at the robot, he looks like he wants to hijack you Sheen, slow down, you’re going too fast (I was doing 20km’s ph.  In between robot intersections of about 100m each)! Why are there so many one ways, its so inconvenient, wow look at all those people trying to get into the taxi, oh my god that woman has a real chicken in that basket (as opposed to what, Mom, a fake one?)! And then repeatedly proclaiming how she was on a hunt for a new belly ring.  Yes, you read that right, my mother has had her belly ring pierced recently.  I can only assume it’s a midlife crisis thing she’s going through.  What’s worse, though, is that she keeps flipping up her shirt to show anyone who pays more than thirty seconds attention to her.

One of the better moments throughout the weekend was when my mom thought it would be okay to pull out her hair tweezers to pluck some (alleged) stray hair from my upper lip, in the middle of the smoking section inside a Musgrave Shopping Centre coffee shop. Only now do I realize how my protests and covering up my head with my jacket hoodie actually drew more attention to the table.

I won’t even start telling you her reaction to Everlasting, the imported merchandise warehouse in city centre, and I definitely won’t tell you that she says to me, just as we arrive, within earshot of everyone around us that “it seems it’s fashionable to have employee security guards who don’t have any front teeth”.  Or that she tried to give money to a beggar who turned out to be just another fellow shopper who happened to be standing outside mindlessly picking up cigarette stompies.

No, instead I will just mention what happened later that night when she ran into Frank Xavier, the isidingo star and my mom’s favourite South African male actor.  The poor dude was just trying to have a peaceful cup of coffee while reading the newspaper.  I really should not have pointed him out to Mom.  She stopped dead in her tracks causing a pile up of about ten mall goers directly behind her so that she could point and giggle and stare and tell other people who he was, waving at him hysterically.

Poor you, Frank, or whatever your real name is – I’m so sorry.  Thank you for being a sport and smiling at the strange lady gathering a crowd to watch you as if you were a zoo specimen.  It wasn’t *my* mother, I have no idea who she was, we just happen to share the same genes and it shows unfortunately.

But, you have to know that I deem you very lucky. I stopped her just after she said “I wonder if Frank would like to see how “hip” my belly ring is, I think I’ll go ask him”.

14 comments

  1. leez says:

    Firstly: you freaking moved??!!!!

    Okay, now that its out of the way sounds like you had a great time. Reading your post actually may have made me teary had I any emotions to draw upon.

    Your mom is classic. A belly ring?!!! my mom didn’t even allow any sort of piercing until we turned 18.

  2. Amy says:

    I love when you write about your mum – she sounds like such a cack!

    And for those of you who dont speak Australian, that means she’s sounds hilariously funny….

  3. 6000 says:

    I think we’ve all given money/food to beggars who turned out to be just innocent passers-by waiting to cross the road, haven’t we?

    Haven’t we??

  4. Stalker says:

    Hey my stalker subject lol I finally got internet access and guess what I decided to look up first!! You my shee bee (well no not really Facebook was first but it was blocked for naughty content!!) Send yr mum my luf and pls email me some details I cant read your older posts because it said access denied naughty content you must have some !@#&**%^$## in there!!

    Miss you lots and lots yr best buddy….

    Balls !!

  5. DannyLaine says:

    This is my sister and your Ma as only we know her. Oh my word I miss her and her wonderfulness…….. Go Gwennie XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  6. Shebee says:

    Leez – I did move. Shows you how long you took to notice! FAIL. I miss you during the day babe. Its like an eyeball without a pupil, thats how much my gmail misses you.

    Stef – She’s the coolest. And she still wants you to come round for pancakes, yo.

    Amyloo – The word ‘cack’ cracks me up!

    Glug – Do not bloody encourage her you incorrigable person.

    6k – wahahahahahaha! Busted!

    Stalker – ermmmm. Please verify for me your name? Is this Ti-fanny?

    Benny – hello babe! Long time 🙂

    Angel – Too right! I tell you what, I’ll swap my mother for your brother for just one night, how about that? *evil glint*

    DannyLaine – I’ve changed your details, silly billy. You can’t put full names here, I have freaks reading my stuff. They’ll try steal you for randsom and you *know* I don’t have the money to cough up!

    Gobble Inn – Hehehe, I know. Awww, now I feel bad. Ok, Angel, keep your sexy bruvva. *Sigh*

  7. Stalker says:

    yep it is as suspected working my bum off so only get an hour a day to mess about on the net but the no cell phone at work is killing me !!!

    Miss you bee

    when do I get to see you?

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