My take on what it takes to be an agony aunt

Dear SheBee,

In one month I will be a married man. I love my fiancé very much, but her mom is prettier and proposed that she test drive me before the wedding. Needless to say I was floored. What should I do?

MILF lover.

Dear MILF lover,

You are an asshole. Why even bother asking this question, you little rug muncher? Do you love your fiancé? I mean really, do you LOVE her? The fact that you have even considered this in writing to me, tells me you don’t.

Tell your fiancé what a whoring slut her mommy is, and then break off the engagement because, lets face facts, you’re going to break this woman’s heart at some point if you haven’t already.

Also, don’t be silly billy – put a condom on your willy. Aids is rife. Even though I think you should catch it just because you pissed me off.

Love SheBee.

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Dear SheBee,

I have a friend who visits me twice a year. I don’t usually hear from her in between these visits. The problem is she is grossly obese and breaks things. The last time she was here she broke the double bed in my spare room. I don’t want to offend her, as she’s very sensitive about her weight, but what can I do?

Scared of big friend.

Dear Scared of big friend,

Firstly, when she arrives, lock her in the basement for two weeks and only feed her water and salad. She’ll probably go mentally insane but she’ll love you for helping her lose the weight, so all is fair in love and war I suppose.

Besides, what kind of a friend is she, who only visits you twice a year? Bloody hell. She deserves an ass-kicking for that alone. Goodluck

Love SheBee

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Dear SheBee,

I am falling in love with a married man who has three children. I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help myself.

Adultress

Dear Adultress,

Listen up, you little skanky home wrecker. Who the hell do you think you are, putting three children’s lives at risk of having an unhappy life? Here’s what you do:

Cut off your infidels ball sack with a rusty teaspoon and feed it to him blind folded, then go throw yourself of the nearest and highest bridge.

Love SheBee