I dedicate…

…this song.

For you, who made me cry last Christmas.

For you, who made me a show

For you, who lied in your kiss

For you, who doesn’t know.

For you, who lied again and again

For you, who chose not to be

For you, who caused me pain

For you, who made me doubt me

For you, who I’ll never forgive

For you, who I wish I’d forget

For you, who made me live

For you, who made me wet

For you, who wanted to die

For you, who started a band

For you, who made me lie

For you, who couldn’t take the stand

For all of you, some good and some bad

For all of you, all of you, who made me sad

I dedicate this song for all you did wrong

The only one exempt

Is the one I hold in contempt*

Because you forced me to believe

That my heart would be free

But you’re the one that’s dead.

* I was his first and only facebook friend.  He created the profile the day before he died.  Its sick that I can’t delete him.  I don’t have the courage, that would make every aspect of him gone.  Two years down the line and I remember every word.

The 2009 Nerdy Nom-noms are open!

For those of you not on Twitter (n00bs) I have a surprise! I was halfway through a post of my personal 2009 Hotties yesterday when a comment or ten came through from the nerd boys suggesting they be included, then the girls jumped on the bandwagon too! Not mentioning any names or anything though, it did plant a little seed in my head; I have decided to run an online hotness pageant! Please say hello to The Sexiest Nerdies 2009 Awards, aka The Nerdies (play on the word ‘Nudies’ – I’m so bloody witty, really).

How it will work:

You (yes, you) will nominate your online hottie of choice by using means of my Twitter stream, email or comment right here on this very post. I want names and links of your nominees, people. I will blog the entire process and let you in on who’s who after I’ve fully investigated their backgrounds, DNA samples, swimwear modeling & abilities to stand out.

The Nerdy Nom-noms:

You can nominate as many Nerdies as you like, for whichever reason you like. I will then narrow the Nom-noms down to categories and then finals. Nominations have come from the guys mostly, so girls stop being so bloody shy already!

The Rules & Regs:

The nominees must either be South African, or reside in South Africa
The nominees must have an online presence, be it a blog, a twitter account or even just an owner of an online company.
The nominees should be nominated for their personalities more than anything else, this is onlinedom okes, shallowness is null and void here. Or so they say.
The judge’s decision is final. Unless you come up with good bribery or sexual favours second to none. I like chocolates. I’m just saying. Steve is the male judge. He likes head-banging music. And fluffy bunnies.

Right. Any questions needing to be asked may be done so here.
SUBMIT YOUR NERDY NOM-NOMS NOW!

Back by popular demand

I left you all with a cliff hanger post last week. Thank you for the feedback, wow. I had no idea my love life history was so interesting to you guys… Here’s the end of the original story:

*****************************

Jaun had proposed to me. He didn’t have a ring, but he was as serious as cancer. Me? I freaked out properly. Marriage wasn’t on my cards, it never had been. Up until this point I had never even wanted to get married. No one had ever made me feel like I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them, until now.

The problem was, I hated where he lived. I loved living on the coast too much. He loved the coast too, but would never be able to match the salary he was earning up there, down here. I refused to move to where he was. Too much crime, too much traffic, too much noise, and his mom was there. I hated her almost as much as she hated me. It just wasn’t possible for me to even consider moving there.

Let me tell you about one weekend with her:

After much nagging on his part, we spent one weekend at his moms place. He had decided that since it had been nearly a year, and he had met my entire family, it was only fair I met his. We had both been putting this off for various reasons. From what I had heard, his mom stood for everything I did not believe in:

• I was English, she was Afrikaans. To her, this seemed like a cardinal sin.
• she was a house wife, had never worked a day in her life. I had been self sufficient since I was 14 and plan to never be a kept woman.
• I had a baby at 18, enough said.
• When they had get togethers, the women were only allowed in the kitchen while the men took over the house. That weekend I sat outside drinking with the men.
• The minute I walked into the house, she said to Jaun in Afrikaans ‘I refuse to speak English. If she wants to be here, she can speak Afrikaans’ I understood every word, and replied to her in broken Afrikaans as sweetly as possible trying to disguise my disdain, that I would be happy to speak her language, provided she allow me to draw her pictures if I didn’t know the right words.

I was informed that ‘decent’ girls didn’t stay out of home until they got married, and she even asked me where Jaun slept when he stayed at my place. I wasn’t prepared to lie so I told her he stayed in my bed, with me. (Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Witch) She was horrified and turned around to Jaun and reprimanded him by saying that she hoped to god he used those condom things as she didn’t want a bastard from that engelse meisie (english girl).

As you can imagine, I couldn’t wait to leave and was so disappointed that a precious weekend with Jaun was spent trying to assure his Mother I wasn’t spawn from Satan. I don’t think it worked, to this day Jaun says she shudders when he talks about me. She would have been a MonsterInLaw. I would have never been part of their family, as much as Jaun thought it was possible.

The bottom line was that I knew in the long run things would go badly. We couldn’t have a long distant relationship if we were going to be married, jobwise nothing would have changed, and I felt that things were getting harder daily. And so I turned down his proposal and the next day, in our last moments of the holiday, we both cried as we said goodbye for the last time.

For a while we still called eachother every day, and SMSed constantly, but eventually we decided it was too painful and broke off all contact. One night I went out with mates and hooked up with a randome oke. The next morning I called Jaun to tell him how crap I felt about the dude not being him. We laughed about how terrible the situation was and fantasized about what our life could have been like if things had been different. A week later he phoned me to tell me how badly one girl he’d kissed slobbered all over him. She slobbered all over him, the stupid woman. Eventually we slipped into a comfortable routine of calling eachother when it felt right. Every call ended of with “I love you and miss you so much, but oh well”.

We both understood that it was easier to miss each other together than seperately. Three years down the line, things are the same. I have met others, but none like him. I’ve been in love, but not like it was with him.

Jaun has moved in with a lovely girl by the name of Jacqui. Speaking to her on the phone is always weird but pleasant enough, often I chat to Jacqui if he can’t answer straight away. Its a bittersweet situation, but at least it isn’t an ending. I still love him dearly, but he is happy, and that is all I could have asked for. I will find my Someone, eventually, when the time suits both of us.

The saying is true, ‘if you love someone, set them free. If they come back, its meant to be’. Jaun did come back to me, just in a different way, and you know what? Thats okay.

Spongy, softy, soppy, mushy girls stuff

Apr 2, 2007, 10:31
Right, I had family drama last night. You have no idea how bad it was. Lets just say, I hate violent men. I have luckily been able to get out of that type of relationship before, and I will never go back into one.

Anyway, as per usual I was SheenaSuperhero again, and had the two victims with me at the house. I calmed the said party down, brought out some wine, and ended up getting pickled all by myself. Feel quite guilty now, surely it wasn’t the right place or time to be self involved? I think it was the fact that I’d been running around putting out fires for one family member since five, then when i finally got home and breathed, another family member called to say the very same thing was happening there too!

I finally got home just after nine, and cracked open some calmyoudown, which promptly ended up calming ME down…. waaaaaayyyy down. So the reason for me telling you this, is to cover my ass and have an alibi/excuse for saying what I am about to say, bearing in mind that I am hung over, and the after effects of alcohol genuinely do effect mood swings the next day:

In light of last nights activities, and someone’s profile I have read, I am inspired to do a list of my wants/needs/hopes in a man.. The perfect man…. does he exsist? I’m waiting to see.

- Looks truly do matter. Not the kind you are thinking of, the kind of looks and signals he gives out with his eyes. I truly believe that eyes are the windows into your soul. Therefore, when someone asks me if looks matter, i say HELL YEAH THEY DO!

- I want someone who will be good with kids. Not just in the future, he needs to be good with kids now. Kids are a huge part of my life. Personally, socially, professionally. Personally, I had a child of my own. He needs to know this, accept this. Be fine with me having photo’s of her lying around, be fine with my mom talking about her. Be fine with me crying on her birth day, or even her death day. More importantly, he needs to be fine with me not doing any of those things. The wound has healed, let me be. I may be sad from time to time, but I am ok. He should WANT to know about her, and feel comfortable asking questions. Socially, my friends all have children. MY best friend is mother to my two godchildren, I spend lots of time with them, which means he would have to aswell. Professionally, I deal with kids from broken homes all the time with life line. They phone in and I listen and talk and try to help where I can. Sometimes there stories are sad, more often they are horrific. I would need to sit down after a hectic shift over a cup of coffee and tell him all about this, and he would have to kiss me on my forehead and hold me close.

- Affection is so important! I love being hugged. And kissed. And touched. Touch my knee when we’re in the car, under the table, on the couch, in the line at woolies. Don’t confuse this with tonsil hockey, and spit swapping in front of old people, thats just disrespectful, but I’m not shy to love in public. He shouldn’t be either.

- Family is a huge priority. I’ve already spilled the beans about how huge my family is. And pretty intimidating at first. But once my family sees that he makes me happy and is not a psychopath/paedeofile/robber/axe murderer/rapist, they will accept him with open arms. And probably make him do all the braai’ing for a while. Until he has the balls to call shotgun. I would never embarrass him, humiliate him and would not be scared to stand up for him infront of my family, but they are important to me and he needs to try and get along & make the effort.

- Independance. I like to be on my own, its rare and not many people are this way, but I amuse myself and like quality alone time too. I drive my own car. I pay my own bills. I have my own accounts. I have my own friends. Don’t try change that. I won’t let you. But I am up for compromise; Lets go in two cars. U can stay if you aren’t ready to come home. We’ll split the bill half way, or this time I pick it up, next time is on you. We’ll visit my friends tomorrow, yours today.

- Have the ability to understand me. I am an open book. I right my own script. I will tell you how I am feeling. When I’m mad, happy, embarrassed, confused. Just ask. I love surprises. I’m spontaneous. So easy to please. I’m not high maintenance. All I ask for is honesty, laughter, companionship, love. I need to feel secure in our relationship. He should let me buy things for him. Sometimes they’ll be cheap and nasty, but humorous and teasing. I once bought a red heart shaped G-string for a guy on valentines day. I have also bought things that cost a bit more. Let me spoil him, and cook him great food. And when the food is not so great, tell me why and what you would have preferred.

- Allow me to be stupid. Although my IQ is higher than most (well, it used to be. I took an online test recently and it has dropped a few points) I can be a complete ditz. I walk into walls with or without my glasses. I say things outloud that should never be verbalised. I ask dumb questions. I randomly divert a conversation to that moth flying above our heads, or the waiter who just bent over. Bear with me. Its an interesting ride.

- Have patience with my trust issues. I have been burnt, as I’m sure you have too. My burns seem to unfortunately be on thriller movie level. You know that movie that you saw once where you couldn’t predict what was coming next, and when it does come, you could never fathom something like that happening in reality? They probably got the story line from my relationship track record. Show me I can trust you, win me over, and I’ll be yours for as long as you want me. Hopefully forever, because I am ready for that sort of relationship. I’m tired of being the only single girl at the doodaa with friends.

- Accept my career. I have a 24/7 kind of job. I get calls at 11 o clock on a Saturday night. Sometimes I won’t get any. I carry my laptop with me wherever I go, in case I need to do an urgent email. I am my own boss in the way of where I work, or when I get to go home, but that doesn’t mean I can skip my responsibilities either.

- Lets go camping! I don’t need hair dryers, make up or electricity! I can get dirty! As long as there is running water, showers and a toilet, let me show you how good I am at making camp coffee with condensed milk and a potjie pot on a fire!

- Sex is Awesome! Say no more.

- Let me be coy with my body. I have had a baby, I have stretch marks. I have a bakery going on around my belly, never mind rolls. If you’ve ever seen the movie “White Chics” I’m like t
he Backfat Sally girl, except not so bloody skinny. Deal with it. I have plans to do stuff, just let me do it in my own time. Unless Perfect Man plans on being my personal trainer, of course.

- Love Music! Even the slow, sad stuff. Especially the upbeat modern stuff. Let me sit in the bath and listen to Jack Johnson on full blast. When I’m in the shower, and doing my best Gregorian impersonation, you can laugh as much as you like, or even tell me to shut up.

There is so much more I can think of, but I will bore you with the details. The Perfect man… is there such a thing? I most certainly hope so!