A wilting wallflower.

I’m quite put out. Lately I’ve been feeling down with regards to my self esteem. Which is really quite retarded since I’m doing better now than ever before in my life. I’m more secure in my surroundings, my job at Aqua has started off with a very excitable & successful bang, I’m earning enough to start spoiling myself with little things (like my brand new Blackberry Pear 8110 – it arrived yesterday, I am so seriously in love) and I’ve settled down in Hoburg nicely. I even think of it as my home now, and when I go away from it I find that I’m missing the buzz, the smell, the pollution & vibe that only Jozi can give off.

So why then am I feeling like I’m not good enough? It’s the little things that I doubt myself in, I second guess myself daily and even when faced with my own accomplishments, I still can’t help but sit back and wait for someone to say something I did was wrong. Or something I’ve said has upset someone. Or something I saw should’ve been corrected.

I’ve never been an insecure person, but recently I noticed how badly I am craving reassurance, and it’s driving me bat shit crazy! I’ve started avoiding bigger crowds, turning down invitations where I’ll be the centre of attention, or have to go out of my way to be noticed. Basically, I’ve started to prefer it when I can blend in with the background and just observe. Observe?! I beg my own fucking pardon, here!

I am not a blender. I’ve never blended. I’ve never wanted to blend in. I want to be that wallflower that has brightly coloured petals, and jumps all over your ass to be admired. I’ve never been a wilting and sad little greyed out petunia.

Who is this new, unsure person? Is it just a phase? Will the old, confident and social Sheena appear anytime soon? Jesus, I hope so. I’m boring the fuck out of myself here…

7 comments

  1. Angel says:

    I reckon when someone’s schedule goes into overdrive, they crave a little peace and quiet…
    Big hugs Shebeeliciousness Darling!

  2. Laura says:

    This is going to sound so absurd but I felt like this a while ago and also it was weird cos everything is going so well!

    I think maybe that has to do with it? The fact its all going so well! We dont know how to cope with that?

  3. Beetle001 says:

    Sheena,

    Stop whining, seriously. You’re doing amazing things in your life – you’re changing huge things about who you are. You’re undoubtedly going to find a shift in how you see the world. Perhaps the rose tinted glasses of your new life are fading and you’re settling into a groove before deciding on your place in it.

    Or maybe it’s the lack of bacon driving you mad.

    Lots of love,
    Richard

  4. mom says:

    Please do not insinuate that my daughter is not good enough. Maybe this is life just being a bit normal for you and you doubting because you are being insecure. Come on madam you are certainly good enough so “stiffen up that upper lip little soldier”. See you on Friday.

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