A bloggers bitch-session

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It’s really strange.  I started this blog as a very personal journey to my inner thoughts and self understanding after Kiera died.  I spoke of my worst fears, my biggest ambitions, the funnier embarrassing stories and even the crushes I had or dates I went on.

Somehow, when I began doing social media for a living, a lot of that stopped.  Suddenly, I wasn’t just another name on the internet, but I was meeting readers in real life, bumping into other bloggers regularly and I think most importantly, I now understood that people could read about all these things I wrote and then look at me in real life and make judgement, assumptions, opinions.  All of which related back to a reputation I’d started to build professionally.

Judge me in a personal capacity and it didn’t bother me.  Put me in a professional setting and then make judgement about me, I wouldn’t cope.  Because it was no longer just about me or my somehow ‘fictional’ stories or characters, it was me in person, in real life.  It possibly (in my mind) was a reflection of my work ethic, which I hold very dear to me.  And those opinions started to matter more to me than I should’ve allowed.

But regardless of how aware I’ve become about what people think of me, I’ve also realised that my blog is no longer just about me or for me.  As much as I’d like to fight that, it’s true.  What I write about affects other people and things.  So I second guess everything I put onto this blog.  I read it from other peoples perspective, where in the past I didn’t ever read it through anyone’s but mine.

And so I’ve grown accustomed to censoring myself.

Which means that I really can’t write about how far my mom has come, or what a moron my brother is, or how shit a day at work could possibly be, or what Jon and I had a fight over.  Because it’s not just about me anymore.  It’s about everything and everyone else.  And it’s really, really difficult to forget that.

And so I continue to find ways to express myself, my thoughts, my feelings.

And through it all, the words that do make it to this blog haunt me at night.

Welcome to a blogger’s bitch-session, I’m hoping I’m not alone.

9 comments

  1. MeeA says:

    This (or something mostly like it) is why I almost never blog anymore. Sometimes, it depresses the living crap out of me. But most of the time, I’m too busy trying to keep up with the pace of my life to notice, and then months go by before I post anything new to my blog.
    It’s sad and I hope you don’t reach that point. I like reading you. 🙂

  2. Sass says:

    I feel you. There’s so much I can’t write about. So I don’t. And my blog has been lying fallow for the longest time as a result. Wish it weren’t so, but try not to let it silence us completely. :/

  3. TC says:

    I liked you when I read your blog long, long ago. I am as chuffed as your Mom is when I see how far you have come – not just since you moved to Jozi and couldn’t bring yourself to move far without your heater. I remember that girl sitting on the verandah in Melville – I still see her, and I still like her. (Man, I really like her car too)

    Would be nice if you found a way around this dilemma … You could, like …. Write a book …….. (Oooo)

  4. Alet says:

    I completely agree! It is terrible hard censoring everything all the time. The decision we make – stop blogging completely or censor away? Maybe some day soon censoring will become easier?

  5. Tracy says:

    I don’t write about myself much anymore either – not so much because of what others will think but because there’s not much to say anymore! Children are much too big now for me to write about them without their permission and stories about myself bore me 🙂 Used to feel guilty about not blogging, now I don’t. It was good while it lasted but that time has passed.

  6. Louisa says:

    I don’t think you’re alone at all. Sometimes when I have something weighing on me heavily but I can’t stick it on my blog because I know that person is reading it, I either write it behind a password or vent in someone else’s comment section.

  7. nanuschka says:

    You are most definitely not alone. It is probably the most difficult thing to bring across the frustration you have on a topic, while fully expressing yourself and at the same time not step on any toes. It is a very powerful learning curve and I continually have to work at it! Don’t despair, keep at it. If you really feel strongly about something and it does not suit someone else’s view, it is just that: a difference of opinion and you can not be crucified for it!

  8. Angel says:

    Oh you are definitely not alone, darling Shebeeliciousness, and I’ve done a similar blog post in the past. My concern is more for my knucklehead though. Since people could Google him and read all about him as a child and as a teenager I had to stop sharing my life with him on my blog – and that was what my blog was about, living with and raising a child with ADHD.

  9. Craig says:

    I learned the self-censoring bit the hard way – technically cost me a job I had been working four or five years and burnt a lot of work friendships in the process. Oh well. So you learn.

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