Veeting – so complicated

Sunday, 29th April. 19:35

I have the unfortunate luck of resembling a close likeliness to a bavarian slash german slash italian captain of hairyness. I was first in line for ass, boobs and hair. It hasn’t always been like this, one day I woke up pregnant (I know, weird) and all my hormones had undergone a sex change without asking me. Out of the blue, hair just popped up everywhere!
So I started waxing, and thus started the beginning of a beautiful relationship with my beauty therapist, Lysa. Lisa with a ‘y’. The coolest chic from uk to live in sa. i love her to bits. But she decided to go on holiday and then when she came back she went and got all engaged. Now she lives far away. How rude.

So one day I decided to take it upon myself to do a self wax, with those strippy things. Motherfucker!!!!!! You could call it painful. So I switched to veet. Perfect solution; no pain, no heat, no strips. Just smear it on and wait. When the time bell rings, go take it off. Easy peasy. Ha! Easy schmeasy!! I only got it right after the fourth try. Eventually it occurred to me to remove the bloody stuff BEFORE I felt a fire like burning sensation right into every one of my skin cells.
I’ve been watching TV lately, caught up on all my soapies (love Isidingo!) but more importantly, I’ve been watching adverts (foreigner translation: commercials) and have been checking out the latest veet invention, In-Shower Hair Removal Cream, is what they call it. One step up from normal Veet cream. Woo hoo. I love trying new things! Of course today when I was in the shop, I HAD to buy it. But never did I think it would make so little sense!
For example:
Follow these directions for use: DO NOT SWALLOW. (Er… okaaaaay?!) Before showering, apply cream evenly onto the skin using the soft, coloured side of the sponge. Once applied, wait one minute before entering shower. (Simple Enough… obviously to soak into the hair follicles and all that) Make sure the cream stays on for an additional two minutes without exceeding 6 minutes of total application times whilst in the shower, ensuring your creamed area does not get wet. (What. the. fuck?! How am I expected to stand in the shower and NOT get wet? More importantly, why stand in the shower at all? One step further, why, for the sweet love of jelly beans, say ‘it takes two minutes’ when already I have wasted atleast five climbing into the shower trying not to get wet?)
The cream will gradually be washed away from the water (aaah, so it does allow for wetness eventually, then) but to ensure complete hair removal, use the white side of the sponge to scrub gently. (Now maybe I’m completely nuts, or the veeting factory fucked up big time, but there are only two sides of this sponge, and neither one of them is bloody white!) I have been left with no choice but to believe that they called it In-Shower Hair removal because there is some mysterious hair removal ingredient in the tiles of ones shower unbeknown to the rest of us, that assists hair removal better than, lets say, the lounge for example.
Mental note: call Lisa with a ‘y’ first thing, and get a referral. I’m going back to bloody waxing.

Footnote: No hair follicles or skin cells were damaged in the writing of this post. They were all too frigging fused by that time!