things I sometimes do while inhebriated

  1. get home in a haze of dog chasing and non spillage of cider
  2. poke left eye out while trying to remove contact lenses
  3. drop contact lenses into glass of water because the case is nowhere to be seen
  4. go to toilet and read people magazine upside down while silently willing bladder to co operate
  5. realize justin timberlake looks funny upside down, almost in a madonna-look-a-like fashion
  6. go to bedside table and drink glass of water so thoughtfully placed there earlier
  7. try to spit water back up just as it is swallowed because, you guessed it, the contact lenses were in there. Yes, I just drank my own fucking contact lenses.
  8. wrestle favourite bra from puppy’s mouth
  9. resign to the fact that new underwear is desperately needed, as this is the third pair in a week the canine has taken a shining to
  10. pop two panado’s and go online to have drunken four way conversation on msn