The Not Radiation Freak Out

**It has taken me a week to recover before I could write this down**

Last week Thursday morning, I woke gently as Jon bent over my tummy and made quiet whale noises to his son and then kissed me on the lips after tucking me in with the blanket, leaving me to sleep.  It was barely dawn and he was leaving for work.  It was a rainy morning and I always worry about us driving in that weather.  Around 8am I checked whatsapp to see if Jon had been online, as he hadn’t yet signed into Skype for the day, he was last seen just after 6am. Telling myself I would not panic, I checked his calendar to see if he was in a meeting and noticed his diary was blocked out until 10am under ‘Doctor’s visit’.  How odd, he didn’t tell me he had planned to see a doctor for anything.

At 9am, I checked whatsapp again, still he hadn’t been online.  Still no Skype.  I smsed him “Hi, all ok? Doctor’s visit?”. No reply.

At 10am, I decide that no doctor’s visit takes 2 hours in this day and age, and I tried to call him – straight to voicemail.

At 10:15, I send another whatsapp: “Ok, now I’m starting to worry, where are you?”. No reply.

By 11am I was in a state. Radiation. Clearly he’s in having a radiation treatment.  He’s obviously got cancer of the testes and he hasn’t told me because we’ve already got so much going on and so he’s trying to be brave about it all and face this alone.  He doesn’t have to face it alone! We’re in this together, we’re in everything together, ball cancer or not.  It must be radiation because what other treatment would a doctor force you to turn your phone off for? Exactly.

At 11:15 I check my emails to see if I have a copy of our Wills somewhere.  Did we ever sign those changes?  How will I tell Jon’s mom about this?  What if he dies and leaves me now, before his son was born and while I’m still on bed rest? Will I just lie here for weeks without showering or washing my hair or shaving my legs? He knows I can’t reach my feet anymore! Who will I cuddle at night? Who will love me like he does? Who will I laugh at and cry at and tease relentlessly? Who will bring me flowers? Whose shoes will I trip over at night on the way to the bathroom?  This is SO UNFAIR.  I LOVE HIS BALLS.  WHY’D THEY HAVE TO GO AND GET CANCER?

At 11:17 he called me back and apologises for leaving his phone on silent as he was doing a site inspection at a client, who happened to be a doctor.  No, no, ha ha ha, he wasn’t having radiation, how silly.  Ha ha ha he’ll have to tell the guys at work about this one, so over the top his wife is.  Yes, he promises his balls are in tact.  Yes, of course he will bring home some flowers.  Yes, he loves me too.  Even when I’m slightly unhinged and completely insane some days. I should have a good day too.  I should give his son a tummy rub and think loving things to him from his dad.

We ended the call and I burst out crying, never having been so relieved and quite so appalled at these pregnancy fueled hormonal imaginations of doom.

 

 

11 comments

  1. Gina says:

    Oh Sheena, I am literally crying with laughter. You have made my day.

    Once, in the very beginning of our relationship, Paul went to PE on a case. After talking briefly on the phone, I messaged him ‘goodnight, I love you’ and he never messaged me back.

    I spent the entire night thinking up scenarios where he was getting ready to break up with me, he didn’t love me anymore, he never loved me, he hated me, he was planning on not coming back from PE, he was never going to talk to me ever again, what went wrong with our relationship, how could we have saved it… I barely slept that night.

    Getting ready for work the next morning I get this message ‘Hey, I love you too, sorry I didnt reply last night, I fell asleep with my phone in my hand.’

    So ja, Overreactions-R-Us!

  2. Cassey says:

    The horrid thing is those crazy pregnancy hormones don’t leave. I still cry much more easily than I did before, still have those crazy thought over reactions…I’m going to put this all at the feet of breastfeeding.

  3. Dave Luis says:

    I know I shouldn’t because these moments are unsettling – but SHEESH did I have a good giggle! Yup. I also go to the deepest darkest most catastrophic places in my mind when someone doesn’t respond to a call or message etc.

    All very dramatic and funny afterwards. Much less so in the chaotic moments of panic in between!

    Glad Jon’s balls are good.

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