Sometimes a good spewing of words is in order. For me.

Sometimes death brings people together that should’ve been together long before tragedy strikes.  Long lost friendships are rekindled, family feuds are ended, new acquintances made.  Spending the last few days at Carrots house, sleeping in his old bedroom, in his parents home, has taught me that life is too short to hold grudges, too insecure to not act out on feelings and emotions and too unstable to rely on other people making plans that you should follow.

Carrot specified as a joke, only one week before he died, that he wanted to be cremated and that the wake should happen at his favourite pub.  He even told his dad what song he wanted to play – Life is a highway.  And so we listened, danced, drank shooters that were created in December by him and last night, his best friend and I slept under the stars.

His parents are so brave, so unbelievably strong and so absolutely determined to make it through this.  I wish that I had been this absolute when my child died, it would have saved me years of being comfortably numb and I might just have gotten a few more things done on my bucket list for life. I’ve made a promise to Carrot’s mom.  It has been something she has nagged me about for years, something that worried and disturbed her.  And something I was adamant I would do in my own time.  She asked me to finally do something with Kiera’s ashes.  Since the day that little packet of dust arrived at my moms house, I put them in my moms cupboard and closed off my ears every time someone suggested we do something with them.  I didn’t want to know.  Five years on, the more time I let pass, the harder it became to even pretend to try and do anything about it.

But I’ve stopped all the procrastination.  I will do something.  There’s a tree I was given by a family friend when Kiera died.  My stepdad planted it in the place I used to sit with Kiera at our family home, near the pool.  It’s grown and flowered in five years, and I think that’ll be where the ashes should go.  I’ll do it when I go back to pack up my Durban home at month end.  On the same day Carrot’s ashes will be dealt with, so will Kiera’s.  Finally.  It’s a relief to know that I now have a deadline, that they won’t be sitting in my moms cupboard anymore.  That finally, after all these years, I’ll take the last step to closure on my daughters death.  And knowing that it’ll share the same occasion with one of my oldest and most special of friends, seems almost symbollic and preordained, like I’ve been waiting for something this big.  I dunno.  Maybe I’m making too much of a big a deal.  But it means something to me, and I think that’s what counts.

So, yeah.  Carrot.  Theo.  Renee & Piet.  Four Afrikaans members of my non-blood family.  It’s been a soul wrenching weekend, but in a good way. I feel almost cleansed and ready for the next chapter of whatever comes about in this life of mine.

Peace!

7 comments

  1. Stalker says:

    babe I am glad that you have made that decision, wish I could be with you, just to hold your hand so if you feeling scared know I am in my heart there holding your hand love you lots

  2. Talita says:

    (((Sheena))) don’t be too hard on yourself, you’re a very tough cookie I admire a lot but it’s always good to see something positive in the wake of tragedy. Lots of love and strongs hey.

  3. Jubs says:

    Hey Sheens. If you need a friend with you or you feel better on your own, just know that i am here wherever, whenever. you the strongest, toughest most out spoken chick i know!!! Lots of love my friend.

  4. Amy says:

    That is so good to hear my love – finally doing something with Keira’s ashes is a huge step, and definately one in the right direction

    I’m sending you all my love and good mojo…. i have plenty of it to go round right now and you deserve some. Mwah!

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