Slap a feather in me and call me Stokahontas!

Put a feather in my cap and call me Stokahontas!

A bit of history:  As you know my car was stolen on the 15th of December.  I was emo for a few days and then I just decided to get drunk and be merry.  This lasted for two weeks solid.  I went out to karaoke pubs on school nights, I went on holiday and met funny dutchmen that occupied my time and taught me drinking games, I fell down the stairs, I fell up the stairs, I put my foot in the toilet, I scratched my leg to bits when I went hiking with a waterbottle filled with spice gold and lemonade… suffice it to say that aside from this week, I have spent the last three rather pickled in rum.  Whilst glugging a bottle of vino with Ginger, one of my housemates, on the first night I had decided to stay drunk until I felt better, the other housemate Piano came home and called me Carlos (car-loss) upon hearing of my stolen car.

Thats where the jokes started, and they haven’t stopped since. Of course, when I decided to cancel my holiday in Jo’burg I ended up on the coast with my family consisting of all my brothers and sister at home together for the first time in a long while.  The brothers caught on to this joke thing and didn’t give up.  Numerous times Dazz would hand me my ringing phone hurriedly saying, “Quick, Sheen, its the cops and they’ve found your car!” The minute I took the phone he’d collapse in a fit of giggles and walk around dubbing me the Chairman of the Ten Toe Membership Club. For Christmas I was offered a skate board and boom-box.  I was even given a toy dinky blue VW golf model by my step dad, who roared with laughter at his own joke.

On to the present time, a phone call with my mom yesterday morning:

me:  Ma, guess what?

mom: you’re a clot and I’m not?

me: whatever, that’s so old – who says that anymore, anyway?

mom: your 11 year old brother! Yesterday in the spar he said it to the manager and finished off  by telling him that tampons are butt plugs for when you have runny pooh. He does it to me all the time, Sheen, it drives me to drink.

me: everything drives you to drink Ma- you don’t need an excuse.  But seriously, guess whats happened? You’ll never guess so I’ll just tell you: They’ve found my car!

mom:  (deadpan) that doesn’t work when you make fun of your own car being stolen, it was *your* car, Sheena.  You always do this – you tell horrible jokes, like that one time you said God was a black, gay woman who smoked weed and laughed at us, it’s just not funny! Stop being so silly and tell me what’s wrong.

me: Seriously, they’ve found my car, though!  I promise!  It’s at the pound as we speak, I just got off the phone with the Sergeant Detective in charge!

*My mother promptly burst into tears of joy and mirth*

So, it’s true, my stolen car has been recovered!  But guess what else, aside from the fact that the bastard fuckers replaced my engine with a rust bucket, or that they have taken my car battery and that all the wiring is DESTROYED and that I have to replace all key holes and the ignition, there’s two bonuses:

  1. Insurance will pay for repairs and replacements of parts and sound system.
  2. They pimped my ride!

I am now the proud owner of one recovered stolen vehicle (thats just cool, admit it) that not only has awesome DOUBLE HEADLIGHTS now, but also brand new Michelin tires WITH insanely cool bling bling mags worth about six grand!

Like I said to Bev yesterday,

I’d like to thank my cop brother for telling me to have faith in the SAPS and then demanding a case of Jack Daniels when I called him up this morning and told him he was right, he was shocked beyond belief.

Then to my thieves, without you I would not have the privilege of dicing the curry munchers here in Debben with my kiff mags with so much of chrome. I would not be able to up-stage the dutchies down on holiday wiff my loud unce unce unce music. I would not be able to scream GEEE TEEE EYEEEEE, BITCHES!!!! as I drive passed the tow truck drivers who scream up and down the streets of the city.

Seriously.  If I’d have known this, I would have had my car stolen ages ago*!

I am amazed, truly.  I had no faith that I would even get feedback from the SAPS after the nightmare it was just to report the car stolen (Cath will back me up here) so to receive a call saying I needed to come and identify my little blue boeing, it is just out of this world and fuck off impressive. The investigating officer has already locked the 5 suspects up and the court case is on the 22nd of January. I went to the pound this morning to identify The (almost) Great Steal, and although it was shocking to see how abused my baby had been and that the “new seats” I was told about over the phone weren’t as cool as I’d imagined, I had a little explosion of happiness in my body.

Shit like this never happens to me, ever, come on – I’m the girl with all the bad luck in the world remember?  So this is me going down on my knees, begging you (please) god / allah / karma / buddah / purple spotted japanese unicorn monkey, saying shot a lot.  Having my car returned to me was the best start to Two Thousand and Mine I could have hoped for.

*touch wood, touch wood, touch wood – I DIDN’T MEAN IT!


  1. richard says:

    Does that mean your car is a ‘code 2’ or whatever they call a recovered car? I thought insurance companies wouldn’t insure recovered cars.

    Better check with insurance company that they’ll insure your car for the same value as before. This is important should they steal it again or someone crashes into you that they don’t tun around and say “Here is your R1000, that’s all it was worth.”

    Now where is that gift horse so that I can look it…

    So glad you got your pimped wheels back. Can’t imagine being w/o a car.

  2. Shebee says:

    Fanks guys 🙂

    Richard you bubble-burstererer you, I’ll heed your advice and definitely talk to the sneaky insurance people, thanks honey.

  3. StevenMcD says:

    Lady, this was because I named you Queen of 2009 remember. You are the main Tannie in the multiverse and stuffs 😉

    Congrats again love, really happy for you

  4. angel says:

    ooookay, why i said “eye” laughed…
    could be because i woke up this morning with a majorly allergic reacted and itchy eye and at the moment thats whats in the forefront of my brain (the words “don’t rub” repeating themselves like a sick mantra…)?

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