Remembering Motherhood

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I’ve realized more and more recently that for over 11 years now I’d switched off a part of me that hurt too much to feel. It’s not that I tried to forget it, it was just easier to ignore it. That part of me was motherhood.

Losing Kiera in 2004 broke a little bit of me that I never thought I would ever get back. At some point, it hurt so much to think about it that I think I just learned to box it up and ignore that it even existed.  I moved on with my life and found joy and peace.  But something has happened that I’m quite happy about.  You see, although Aiden could never replace my first born, he has certainly taught me to appreciate the little things that once brought me such joy, all over again. Having Aiden is, in some small way, like bringing Kiera back into my life.

Pictured to the right is Snig (a stuffed snake/pig toy), Kiera’s favorite toy that stayed with her from day one of her life until her last. Snig now hangs out in Aiden’s cot and I can’t wait until he’s old enough to love this toy as much as his sister did. Seeing it daily has brought back such happy memories of Kiera’s first giggle, her obsession with sucking on her oxygen pipes, her love of vanilla custard, her love of watching Isidingo every day… It’s good to have these memories back again, I’m glad they’ve come out of the black box I kept hidden in my mind for so long.

For years my mom has tried to bring up the topic of Kiera’s ashes.  They’ve stayed in my mom’s cupboard all this time and I’ve never wanted to discuss it any further.  It always seemed like too much closure, too much responsibility, too much.  But now I’m ready.  I’ve finally made a decision on what I’d like to do with Kiera’s ashes. I’ll be planting a little garden for her and the ashes will be put to rest in a bed of lavender, succulents and angel figurines just outside our patio. Because it’s time that she become more than just a pushed-away memory, and also because I want Aiden to have a place where we can talk about his big sister, do her life justice.

I think the last part of ‘broken-me’ has finally begun to heal. And that’s quite something.

16 comments

  1. cath says:

    I’ve been waiting for this post. Not just curious, but because I knew there would be a beauty in this moment that only you could see and define.

    It made my heart happy X

  2. Anonymous says:

    I waited eleven years for these words to be spoken. I am such a Happy Mom to read them as that is even better to re read and treasure them over and over again.

  3. Eve D says:

    Beautifully voiced.
    Kiera must be so proud.

    (Just remember that you won’t live in your house forever, so any scattered ashes will remain behind. Maybe make it portable, so Kiera always has a home with you? Totallycooked’s idea is wonderful! Even if the tree doesn’t make it, you will still have the soil to replant. Beautiful. I planted a birch when my dad passed away – not with ashes, just in his memory. Then the gardener cut it down after ten years, by mistake….sigh….)

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