Quality, not quantity…

I heard a theory once, and tried to put it into practice…

I think it came from a movie or something, but one of my brothers explained it to me when i had decided to live again. I had a chat with him and explained all about how it was time to get myself a man and relearn all about relationships and commitment…

So he tells me there is a plan of action every human on earth needs to take when thinking along the lines of my most recent dumbest idea ever, to start a relationship you need to get a plant. If u can commit yourself and make it live by being a tree hugging plant grower, you are ready for a relationship.

I tried this out, and here is my version of his theory:

1. Buy a plant.

The plant step is kinda self efficient in its own right. Doesnt require much attention, talk back or expect you to play with it. All you need to do is feed it water, put it out in the sun and let it grow.

After 3 weeks if your plant is still green, you’ve done something right. 3 weeks is long enough to tell if the plant will die. Trust me, I know this. I repeated step one 4 times. Just remember not to drown the fucker like i kept doing! After 3 weeks, you still see greeness and life? Take a look at putting no. 2 into action.

2. Get a dog.

Your dog will love you unconditionally, even when you walk around the house naked and he sees all your cellulite. This gives you self confidence, teaches you how to accept compliments, you will care for and love again, and you’ll eventually learn how to have bedroom manners, because if you do carry on legs spread making a bed angel while dreaming, snoring with your mouth wide open letting all the drool run down your pillow, your dog WILL lick it off and then probably curl up on your chest. Which makes things pretty stuffy and funky smelling.

If after a couple of weeks your dogs ribs are not visible, he has a shiny coat and still wags his tail at you when your car arrives home, you may now resume to step 3.

3. Obtain a Partner.

Believe it or not, this is actually easier than step 1 or 2. Although you do use the same method as step 2.

The trick is getting a quality partner. Any Tina, Jane or Sally can get just any guy… its only the Veronica’s or Julia’s that can manage finding a QUALITY guy.. Your biggest mission in life right now is becoming a Veronica or Julia. Don’t even let that oke in the corner of the bar come near you. Chances are if he’s alone wearing an oddball hat and funny jumpers – he’s a freak. My guess is he likes to watch you spank the monkey on his mates uncles brothers wifes cousin. STAY. AWAY. from the corner dwellers! Quality okes usually hang out in coffee shops sitting in front of their laptops, or walk their dogs on a lazy sunday afternoon on the beach, or the guy playing with the puppies in the shopping centre pet shop while waiting for his Mommy to finish window shopping. Those are the ones to look out for.

Now once you find your quality oke, the easy part should kick in. Feed him his favourite meal once a week in between take out and pizza so his ribs are not visible. You could check this by making him lift his arms up & if he doesnt fall through his asshole, you’re making a good enough effort. Supply him with copious amounts of time to bond with his ps2. A man is happy and obliging when you allow him this one small treat and sacrifice. It will also ensure that his tail wags when you need it to (you know which one I’m talking about, yes, that one – the one eyed custard chucker). This works for both of you, he’s happy to stay at home and get square eyes while you get to go shopping with the girls. Or with your token gay friend. (Did you know they make the best shopping partners? I love taking Leon with me, he is borderline bitchy in his honesty, but you know you’re gonna walk out with the best choices).

Step 4. Hope like hell your Quality guy doesn’t share the same tastes as some of my ex boyfriends had:

– Bums, particularily, male bums
– A foot fetish. That can get pretty annoying. Some girls just dont like having their toes licked and sucked into oblivion. (Yeah, that relationship lasted four days…)
– A taste for alcohol. And lots of it. Even at 9am on a Tuesday while you are working. Your booze cabinet WILL take a beating
– If you fall pregnant, UNFUCKINGPLANNED YOU SHITHEAD, he might decide to pull a houdini trick on you and disappear miraculously
– Develope an unusual fondness of your girlfriends.

If your man does share any resemblance of these traits, take my theory and shove it his arse, two doors to the left.