On blogging about dreams about blogging.

Last night I had a vivid dream.  It was so abnormal, I’m not even sure why I remember it in every little detail.

In the dream, I had just arrived at a tweet-up and was talking to a skinny little asshole with blonde hair and small boobs.  She opened her mouth when I introduced myself and closed it again, biting down on her lip.  I looked at her probing for her to speak, and she said “You know, you should really, like, warn people that you’re fat.  You don’t come across as a fat person online”.  Well fuck me sideways!  I’m fuming now even thinking about it.

Aside from the obvious things, like the fact that my self esteem about my body is at an all-time low, there are other things portrayed in this dream that I recognize now.  Things that are blindingly obvious if you’ve been one of my blog readers for long enough.  Things like, I don’t know who the fuck I am as a blogger anymore.

It’s easy enough on Facebook, I use that platform to talk to my old school friends, friends abroad and my family members.  I can just be me; Sheena, the old cheerleader from school, the girl who bunked out to (pretend to, I could never really inhale it properly without near vomitation) smoke weed in the bushes with her then 24 year old boyfriend.  Sheena, the loudest girl in class, the one who sassed the teachers, fell pregnant at 17, dropped out of school.  Sheena the oldest sibling, the only biological daughter.  The black sheep but much-loved one in the family.

On Twitter, I portray a slightly more professional, held back version of me, always conscious that anyone from my MD, ex boss or other industry types could see any one of my tweets.

On my blog, who the hell am I?  I don’t even know anymore.  I used to be the funny girl from the South Coast.  But then that girl lost her daughter, moved homes a bunch of times and ended up halfway across the country heading up a social media department in South Africa’s largest digital agency group.  Of course, I also have a permanent fixture in my life otherwise known as my other half named Jon.  He’s quite a vital change too.

Despite that, I have changed and I get that.  Some good things, some not so good.  I feel like I’ve lost my funny.  I feel like I can’t be as personal as I used to be.  I also feel like I need to have a blogging angle, but I’m not sure which angle I should be taking.

But it’s not the end of the world and despite having doubts, blogging has been and always will be, for me.  You readers are just an added bonus of fluffy warm feelings in and around my blogging insecurity and angst.

After all, as I said to the blonde asshole in my dream last night; “I am more than my fat.  My fat has been places with me, okay.  And if I’m not what you expected, it’s probably because I’m more than you expected, but in a different way you didn’t know you even thought of.  Also, fuck you, I’m awesome”.

And then I woke up, turned around and smiled at Jon’s hand on my boob without him knowing, closed my eyes and thanked God, the universe and everything in between for changing my life.  Because it might not be what people expect, but it’s perfect for me.

So yeah.  There.

8 comments

  1. Tania says:

    Couple of thoughts:
    Blogging should be about you and what you want from it alone. Unless you want to have a business angle. What is it you want/get/need from blogging? Offloading? Sharing? Pondering? Comments and feedback? You know.
    Then: don’t underestimate your brave self that stood up to that biatch in your dream. I feel utterly powerless and small in my own scary dreams.
    Lastly: you rock.

  2. Amy says:

    ha ha – take that skinny blonde bitch! Also – i’ve been reading your blog for almost forever and i plan on sticking around for a while yet. Why? Because you ARE awesome and you DO rock…. with or without a cohesive blog “angle ” !

  3. CC says:

    I don’t get why you think you must have an angle etc, you are you, you blog as yourself – however you feel when you are writing a post that is who you are and its all you need to be on a personal blog. Just write whatever you want to, people will enjoy it because you have a good writing style. I’d read every post of yours if it was just about what you did everyday, you may think it’d be boring but I’d like it lol.

  4. Cath says:

    “And then I woke up, turned around and smiled at Jon’s hand on my boob without him knowing, closed my eyes and thanked God, the universe and everything in between for changing my life. Because it might not be what people expect, but it’s perfect for me”

    For the days when you could not believe and I would do it for you.

    For the days when I could not believe and you would do it for me.

    For those days, I am eternally thankful. X

  5. Angel says:

    I know a couple of skinny blonde bitches that I like… but the one in your dream best take a long walk off a short pier!
    I have been reading your blog for quite some time now Shebeeliciousness Herself, and I love how you have changed and matured and grown and stayed awesome!
    I am so proud of you!

  6. Cybersass says:

    So yeah. There! Farken-A Sheens! I think you’ve built yourself a helluva life. Well done! And oh yeah, you really should warn people that you’re phat! That you’ve got a whole PHd in phatness!!! Cos you’re PHAT like that!!! 🙂 xxx

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