On being tough

For many years now, I have opted to not put the negative aspects of life on social media, within reason. I’ve tried to not use my blog as an outlet for drama. I’ve tried to not air dirty laundry on Facebook and the most I’ve done on Twitter was complain to one or two brands. But I feel like I need to write about a lot of stuff we’ve been going through. Life has been a challenge lately.

Since February 2014, we have gotten engaged, been married, fallen pregnant, sold our house, bought a new house, found out the pregnancy was high risk, I was put on bed rest and Jon had to do everything for almost seven months, moved house, put up with awful sellers only narrowly avoiding a legal dispute, decided to renovate the house, went into premature labour, had our son in NICU for three weeks, the renovations builder walked out on us before the job was complete and kept the money we’d paid him up front, found out someone very close to us (and in close proximity to Aiden on a daily basis) had multi drug resistant TB. Just this week I found out that we owe R18 000 to city of Joburg, and our renovations are STILL NOT COMPLETE, SIX MONTHS LATER. Deep breath.

Holy cow it has been A VERY ROUGH YEAR. No more please, universe. I would like very much to have a very boring, very normal, very average and mundane time for a little while please, we need a breather. Jon and I knew we were taking a lot on – we knew it. But I suppose in life we never really bargain for absolutely every decision made to go wrong. So I keep trying to find the silver lining.

Premature birth – got to meet Aiden sooner than I wanted to, and got a bonus four weeks extra of maternity leave with him.

Renovations builder walking out – ummm… er. I guess I could say the silver lining is that I don’t need to deal with that EVILSONOFABITCHWHOFUCKEDUSAROUNDFORFOURMONTHSANDTHENSTOLEALLOURMONEY anymore.

TB – Aiden has been cleared. THANK YOU SWEET BABY JESUS, ALLAH, BUDDA AND THE POPE. Other than Aiden being ok, there is no silver lining that this happened. None. I’m beyond grateful that Aiden is ok. He’s on a three month course of prophylactics just to make sure that any dormant TB bacteria is killed off, but his tests have all come back clear. He didn’t react to the blood tests and his X-Ray was perfectly normal. I had a big sob of relief when the paed told me. We had to wait two days for the results which was hell on earth, but he’s ok. We have to crush a pill and dose him daily for the next three months but he’s ok. We live in a country where every fourth fucking person has HIV and contracts TB* and through carelessness has the potential to pass it on to my innocent child who hasn’t done anything on this earth to deserve such a horrible disease but he’s ok. The tests were awful. Although he slept through the X-Ray, for the other test Jon had to hold him down while a lab assistant stuck a needle into his arm and injected a dormant TB virus into the surface of Aiden’s arm to create a bubble, which they then had to rub into the skin. This was then marked with a permanent marker in a circle which would now become the infected site. If Aiden had TB, he would develop a rash in that area. We had to then wait 48 hours to see what the results would be. But, thankfully, the site didn’t rash and he’s ok. Now I just need to relax about this.

I know that people say the first year of marriage is hard, but actually I don’t agree. Our marriage is awesome, easy and loving – if it wasn’t for all the other life bullshit that got thrown into the mix. Both Jon and I have spent many a night raging at the world, each other, other people and then raging just because we’ve raged for so long now.  We’re angry, tired of being taken advantage of, and sick of being in the danger zone in terms of anxiety. We’ve gone from worrying for my life, to our baby’s life, to how we’re going to make it through to the end of the year financially. We’ve had to let go of some serious resentment and anger towards people.

It’s not all bad though. Our son gives us a pleasure that we’d never be able to measure. He has added a dynamic of joy I never knew possible. Jon and I alternate night shifts now so that one of us is completely rested every second day, which makes the world of difference. Even after a virtually sleepless night last night, Jon could be heard from Aiden’s room giggling with his son at 5:30am this morning and cooing to him in their own special little language.  On a hard day, all we need to cheer up is to look over at Aiden and have him give the biggest, gummiest grin back.

And of course, Jon and I have each other. On even the toughest days I know that we can get into bed at night with a cuddle and whispered I-love-yous to reset for a new beginning the next day.

Despite all of our challenges, the good still outweighs the bad. In a few weeks (three, to be exact) I go back to work. As much as I’ll miss my little dude – I have to admit to looking forward to:

  • receiving a full salary again
  • using my brain for something other than changing nappies or trying to remember nursery rhyme lyrics
  • seeing adults who can use adult words and answer me back when I ask a million questions

I don’t really have a clever or witty way to end this post. I guess I needed to just vent somehow other than whining to my husband again. Thanks for listening, blog.

 

*I know I’m generalising and that those aren’t the actual stats. I’m an angry mom ok. I dare you to hold it against me.

This entry was posted in Life.

13 comments

  1. snowgoosesa says:

    A-fucking-men.

    Adulting is a trap. I love being a self-sufficient, fiercely independent, ambitious and organised human 80% of the time But, this year I have moments where I secretly wish I had grown up sheltered, married rich, and didn’t over-engineer and analyse every fucking thing.
    Oh, and then I would have time and money to shop, decorate and do gym and yoga all day so my body and house would be mag-fucking-nificent.

    Bah, humbug.

  2. laurakim says:

    What Heidi said! Since David an I got together really we have been in survival mode. We have not had a chance (other than our 2 week honeymoon) to just be and enjoy life – there has always been some drama – pregnancies, hip replacements, a wedding, new house, new house that was actually an old house and is falling apart, new cars, written off car, mounting money problems, kids, more pregnancies – it goes on but let me not steal your rant post for a rant comment!

    It has to get better right? Today I got a job and won a mani – I am holding onto that with both hands and hoping this is our turning point!

  3. Ankia says:

    Ai tog. Hopefully it’ll turn quick for you guys. I’m curious about the R18k you owe to COJ though. On the new house?? If you want give me details & I can maybe check that out for you.

  4. CindyC says:

    Oh my woooord!!!!! Its like reading our life story!!! We are tired, sick, anxious and just plain GATVOL!!

  5. Anonymous says:

    All I can say is: Thank you for writing this. There were things you said that a lot of people are afraid to even acknowledge. It’s a reality check we all must face one time or another.

  6. ella says:

    Hugs… had my Aidan in isolation in the children’s ward because they feared TB, broke my heart….
    so glad your baba is okay. *hugs*

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