Monkey Business

I came home the other day, to a house that I had left spotless but was now trashed. Now people, you need to remember that I live alone. And the only pets I have are two little birds who are quite sweet, although they tend to shit sometimes on my furniture. But I love them.

I opened my front door, and looked around in confusion as I took in the red juice like liquid all over my counter, the bird food everywhere, 2 loaves of what was once bread, packets ripped open and crumbs everywhere. My vegetable rack had also been ransacked and all the nice things like butternut and gem squashes had been taken, with only onions and potatoes left.

My little birds were huddled in the corner of their cage, all fluffed up, and looked quite pissed off. I leant down to smell the red liquid and it smelt quite pungently of urine. Monkey urine, to be presise.

These fuckers not only keep me up at night with their mating calls and love making screams, a fact that they have a better sex life than I is enough to piss anyone off, but now they come into my house and steal from me!

Added to my shopping list to this month:

  • 1 x BB gun to shoot asshole monkeys
  • nice smelling cleaning agent to get fragrance of monkey piss out of the counter