Live Funerals

Have you ever heard of anyone holding a funeral for themselves before they die? Think about it, its the one party where the entire event is dedicated to how fanfuckingtastic you are. Not like birthdays or anniversaries, where people are there out of jealousy to see how fat you’ve got, or how kak your boyfriend is. When you die, no one is jealous. And if they are, then they seriously have some suicidal issues to deal with.

So, your funeral attendees are there to sympathise with your loved ones and remember only the good things about you, because if they even think anything bad about you, its a curse on them. You know, because of that old fishwives tale: Do noteth speak illeth of the deadeth. I think I’m going to do that. The invitations could be set out in obituary style, something like this:

We regret to inform you that the Famous She Bee, 23, Author of The Blog, If these Walls Could Talk (thought out and written down on the Lower South Coast of South Africa) sadly, and most horrifically, pegged on Friday 13th October 2007*.

Miss Bee was born in vaalieland and grew up to be a responsible and looked-up-to person in her community. She was a sexy secretary, most valued at her Place of Employment. Her boss misses her terribly and promises to avenge her death by murdering the culprit with use and means of the ‘post it’ as his choice of weaponry.

SheBee was a member of many online groups, had a few close friends, an overgrown proportion of a family and had very many animals. She loved to dance, sing and listen to white noise. SheBee was the daughter of a car sales lady, and two very different men. One an electrical engineer, the other a banker-turned-construction worker. She was a sad young spinster who never got the chance to be a ball and chain, much to the dismay of all the young eligible bachelors who chased her in her living life**.

Miss Bee is survived by her two birds, Left and Right and also her two*** dogs,Susie and Milo. If you would like to get technical, one supposes the two geckos who preside in her home might miss her a touch too, as she always lovingly tried to pee-shoot them with her BB Gun. Please send money with your RSVP in order to feed Miss Bee’s surviving animals.

A memorial service will be held on Wednesday, 15th October 2007 @ {insert secret local location} at 3:00 PM where the great rock band, REM will be playing a tribute to their no.1 fan while you party away in the moonlight. Please RSVP to {insert living friends who care} by no later than two days before the Memorial service, where you will be required to bring along the following:

  1. Your own booze. (She always was a cheap-skate)
  2. One funny hat (To be worn)
  3. Money (For her animals, doofus)

* I hope I have not jinxed myself to lie down and die on this date. Watch out for the 13th of October, if you don’t see a post, know I am fucked.

** I wish.

*** Yes, you read correctly. I have now inhereted another dog. This one is old and blind and was going to be put down, so the stupid (dumbfuck) chic in me couldn’t let that happen and I decided to keep him. His name is Milo.

Shit I hope this doesn’t offend anybody. You know how touchy those bloody Americans can get. Hahahhaa.

Kidding.

(Not actually, though)