Listy lists.

1

They say that long reams of text bore this new age internet reader, and that lists are the way to go. While I’m not entirely convinced, I thought I’d give it a go. I’m not opposed to lists, it’s just that usually I reserve them for when I need to go shopping or have too many things to finish off at the office and I don’t want to forget anything important. But ok, let’s try this blogging list thing. You tell me what you think of it.

5 things I do to drive my husband mad:

  1. When we get into bed at night I’ll inevitably realise that I need my water bottle refilled just in time for Jon to really snuggle in and get comfy. That way either he or I have to shift out of bed and upset all 3 cats, rearrange the pillows, untuck the sheets, untangle our legs from each other, etc.
  2. Beg to watch a particular show on tv in bed and then proceed to sit on Facebook throughout the whole episode.
  3. Following no. 2, when something exciting happens, I then ask Jon to explain what I missed even though I know he’s been hairy-eyeballin’ me being on Facebook the whole time.
  4. As we are ready to leave the house, after taking forever to get dressed and eat / put on make up / get off my phone, I’ll need a wee just before we reach the door.
  5. Usually just after Jon leaves the room, I’ll think of something I need to tell him that can’t wait until he’s finished doing whatever he’s set out to do, which means he has to reverse and come back in the room because he can never hear what I’m saying. It’s most fun when this happens three or four times in the space of two minutes.

3 things I sing to Aiden when he’s paying attention to me:

  1. I wanna be like you – Jungle Book, obviously with all the monkey actions because the song wouldn’t be the same without them. Because in life we need to be light-hearted.
  2. Catch a falling star – But with a soprano twist and Russian vampire accent, because life is also terrifying and confusing.
  3. I love him – Sister Act version but I make Aiden do all the actions and he finds it hysterical. He especially loves it when we do all the various nun covers.

3 People I wish I could punch in the face:

  1. Our elected president for cocking up our economy so royally.
  2. The telemarketer at Emporer’s Palace who keeps calling to offer me a free night at the hotel (smacks of Timeshare shenanigans).
  3. The elderly lady in my neighborhood watch whatsapp group who doesn’t understand that we don’t all belong to her other whatsapp crime group and keeps asking us questions about what everyone in the other group means and then gets pissed when we don’t reply and sends everyone bible verses about patience and kindness to make us feel bad.

4 Other jobs I’d rather do for a living today:

  1. Toilet brush quality controller.
  2. Fly swatter.
  3. Underarm pit smeller.
  4. Toenail pedicure therapist (I winced as I typed that out).

4 Stupid ways I’ve hurt myself:

  1. I’ve fallen up the stairs holding my  youngest brother and tore all the ligaments in my left leg.
  2. On the day I was moving into my first ever home where I’d live alone, I took one step out of my car, my slop slipped over gravel and I landed with my ass on my left leg, tore all the ligaments again.
  3. I once narrowly avoided walking into a mirror, only to slam right into a glass door.
  4. While on bed-rest last year, I managed to have my Achilles heel shrink, which means I now have to stretch it out before I can take any steps unless I want to limp like a mofo.

3 life things I hate:

  1. When the bank calls YOU, and then gives you the 3rd degree to prove you are who you say you are. Blood, DNA and wee samples aside.
  2. When you unsubscribe from emails and they email you one last time to say you’ve successfully unsubscribed. It’s their last “fuck you”, I’m convinced.
  3. When you’re stuck in traffic and one asshole doesn’t pay attention to the unity of the cars not letting the taxi in. YOU MADE US LOSE THE WAR ON THIS DAY! MISTAKES HAVE BEEN MADE!

6 Ways to procrastinate or perform WAB (Work Avoidance Behaviour):

  1. Blog ridiculous lists that won’t in any way affect your life.
  2. Clean your iPhone with baby wipes found in your laptop bag.
  3. Get up and make tea, twice.
  4. Reformat your Apple Watch for no good reason at all.
  5. Practice your married signature (Because some of us still have two signatures, one for informal things, one for proper documents because technically some of us still haven’t reprinted their ID books. Ahem).
  6. Pretend you know how origami works.

4 Horrible email signatures:

  1. “Yours in warmth” – Huh? Why? What if I hate warmth? What if I’m Team Air-con?
  2. “Bestest” – Bestest what, exactly?
  3. “Kindest” – I am forced to finish these sentences in my mind. Kindest stalker. Kindest jewelry thief. Kindest psychopath. SPECIFY YOUR KINDNESS PLEASE.
  4. “xoxo” – You are not a new-age teen soap opera character known as Gossip Girl, stop it.

If you read all of those, I owe you a medal. Instead, here’s a pic of Jon and I on our wedding day:

s+j {bridal couple} 3

This entry was posted in Life.

7 comments

  1. MeeA says:

    LOL!
    I applied for my new ID document right after we were married and I waited 18 months for it. To be fair, though, Home Affairs do seem to have ironed out many of their issues.
    Love the photo!
    MeeA recently posted…In 2016…My Profile

  2. Angel says:

    My ID book is still in my maiden name, but my driver’s license is in my married name…
    I love that you sing to Aiden! We grew up with my mom singing to us and I sang to my knucklehead too!

  3. Bianca says:

    Dear Sheena,
    It’s Bianca commenting. Please can you confirm your Id number, shoe size and what house number you lived at when you were 2.
    Excellent Blog Post.
    Kindest.
    XOXO

Comments are closed.