Life is life…

Some days I sit and wonder what we’re all here for.  Yes, there’s the life lessons we learn and the mistakes we make, but what’s the whole point, really?  We live, we breathe, we get old (if we’re lucky) and then we die.  I’m no stranger to death.  As most of you know, I’ve had my fair share of death (and near-death) experiences of loved ones.  I’m not nearly as cynical or bitter about it as I used to be, but morality is something that terrifies me.  I don’t want to die.

  • I want to be selfish and live this life forever and ever until I’m an old, irritable woman who swears at strangers, harasses her grandchildren and pokes and prods family members around me until they want to scream from frustration.
  • I want to be that granny, the one who tells dirty jokes, scares the family children with ghost stories and then comforts them in bed with cuddles, giggles and bedtime stories about fairy tales and love and happily-ever-afters.
  • I want to hold my husband’s wrinkly old hand and tease him about not being able to get it up.
  • I want to be able to shout with my friends and misunderstand what I think I hear when they shout back at me because our hearing would have long failed us, and our minds wander.

I want everyone I love to live forever right along side me.  I hate that every time someone gets into a car, for a split second I panic and think “what if this is the last time I see them?”.  I hate that it’s a constant state of paranoia that, although I manage to manage well, is always there in my mind and heart.

Am I alone, here?

6 comments

  1. Tracy says:

    I used to believe there was a meaning behind things, and that certain things happened for a reason… these days I lean more towards “stuff happens, and then other stuff happens, and then something else happens”. No great plan, just a series of choices and consequences and sometimes stuff that happens outside of our control.

    That doesn’t mean it’s not worthwhile to enjoy your life, do your best in everything and try to make things better for others. Not believing in something “bigger” doesn’t take away (for me, at least) the value in today, and NOW.

  2. Angi says:

    Everyday, and mainly at night these thoughts are in my head. What if I don’t wake up tomorrow or what if someone I love doesn’t wake up tomorrow. It is terrifying and horrible and always makes me want to do more than what I am doing, which isn’t always possible. That constant fear makes me sad but it also makes me appreciate everything I have in my life, even on days when that feels like very little. Thank you for writing this so I can, for one second, feel less alone and silly.

  3. Chantal says:

    I think that in the end everything is trivial, no matter what you achieved during your life when you die it means shit, so what if you were head of the UN, the time span of your life in relation to the age of the universe, and the impact that your life will have on anything, its all minute and trivial.

    The thought of dying petrifies me and makes me cry, I can not grasp the fact that I will no longer exist. It really sucks.

  4. Angel says:

    You are so not alone… Every time my knucklehead walks out the front door or I drop him off near work to walk the rest of the way or my Glugster has to catch the bus and train to work I have the same feeling!

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