Levels of Motherhood

Newborn stage

Sterilise everything including the cats, dog, kitchen counters and the sterilising machine itself. Twice. Daily. If a dummy drops on the floor, well that’s a damn shame – it gets binned.

Four months old 

Baby can now stand and also grasp things. Everything is covered in drool including you.

Seven months 

Baby can crawl now, your job is to move everything breakable and within reach one level up. Suddenly the importance of closed doors and baby-locked cupboards becomes one’s life purpose.

Twelve months

Your kid can now confidently grasp a spoon. It can also stab itself with same spoon and also has the ability to scoop it into the dog bowl. Life’s mission: try avoid child scooping dog’s poop.

Eighteen months

It’s talking now and alternating the ability to repeat your favourite swearwords at top volume in front of your Mother in Law, and also shouting out random nouns of things he’s recently become aware of, such as “DOG! MOMMY DADDY DOG! MOOOOOOO! CAR! AIDEY’S CAR! MOMMY FUCK! FUUUUUUUUCK MOMMY FUCK!” (I swear, MIL, it’s him trying to say ‘truck’, cross-my-heart). It refuses anything remotely edible but can’t stop eating the cat pellets and licks water straight out the dog bowl.

Twenty-three-and-a-half months

It now has a preference. To everything. God help you if you chose the wrong preference of the hour. Last week’s favourite-must-bath-and-go-to-bed-with Croc shoes are now nothing. It’s all about his Batman slippers. Speaking of, he has the ability to sing the 1976 Batman theme song. Except instead of “nananananananaa Batman!” it’s “no no no no no noooooo BupMun!” and it is adorable.

Mommy’s shoes are especially fun to walk in and the running commentary of his thoughts out loud never, ever stops. And I never want it to.

He can list his friend’s names from school, recognises photos of family members and even has special favourites who he requests to call as he hands me my iPhone. “mommy! Fon. Daddy. Fon daddy/Wokkie/Gonnie/Oumie”.

He’s learned so many words now he’s started confusing them and swapping things around. Truck = cat. Open = apple. He is convinced that a frog sound is ‘BEEP BEEP BEEP’ and he’ll say it repeatedly at the most random of moments. “No banana mommy, Aidey no. Fwog BEEP BEEP BEEP FWOG”. His best friend is Carter and his girlfriend is Kenzie. They like to kiss and hug each other hello and goodbye. I melt.

Photo credit: Kate Rankin Photography

He is a maniac on his bike and a hooligan for as long as his eyes stay open during the day.

 

He is two this month and he’s made this mama the happiest woman alive.

He is my son and I couldn’t be more in love or proud of his whimsical, spirited little personality.

 

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