Kill me now, I’m a psychobitch.

So.  It’s that stage of a dating relationshit where you’re not sure of when you should or shouldn’t ask someone to stay over.

In being completely honest, this is pretty much the first time I’ve been with someone who hasn’t tried to feel my boobs from the first minute.  And apparently he is a boob man.  I found this out whilst IMing him.  No, he’s not a geek, he just likes playing poker online.  He’s someone who doesn’t even know my blog exists and if he did I would actually die, which is strange as most of the people in my life know about my blog.  He has no idea what sort of mad person I am yet, although in movies (whilst holding hands) he whispers to me “please could you stop bluetoothing ‘you suck’ ringtones to the black dude behind us, I’m a little nervous – he’s kinda big” and also let me drive today, so I’m sure that he’s getting a fair idea.

Anyway, I digress.  Its gotten to the point where my friends are looking at me funny because we haven’t, you know… body humped yet.  Not even close.  While I am totally okay with it, I’m a bit confused about the whole thing now – apparently this is unheard of these days.  One of my mates even went as far enough as to say to me the other day; “more than three dates and still no sex is a bit of a wastage of eachothers time”.  After he said that, I was like – what the fuck?  Seriously?  And now the down side to it all is that I can’t stop thinking about humping his leg. God damn peer pressure.

Anyway, so because of all of these thoughts, I say to him this evening whilst overlooking the beauty that is my balcony view, that it would be slightly pleasant if he wanted to “stay over”.  With a deep, meaningful look and everything.  Suddenly an awkward silence ensues.  I mean, crickets chirp, pins and needles drop on floors, I can almost hear people in China saying their morning prayers its so awkwardly silent.  Then the  dude politely turns me down, with some mumble of why he has to leave. Immediately.

Thats right, folks: He. Said. No.

So, naturally – because I’m a girl, I start having a mini mental freak out moment.  What the hell were you thinking?  This is why women shouldn’t come on to men, it should always, always be his first move and left for you to decide – not the other way round. Oh my god, now he thinks you’re horny.  Oh nooooo.  And even then he still says no.  With your low cut top and everything.  He doesn’t like you.  He got an sms and now he’s all quiet and needs to leave.  This is so awkward.  Please die, now. In a fire or something, you are such a loser.

*three minutes later, walking him to his car*

I bet you that was his ex girlfriend.  I bet you she wants to get back together with him.  Thats why he’s rushing out the door.  Mwah, good bye DateDude, enjoy fucking your ex girlfriend.  I’ll just lie here on the couch and wish for a slow torturous death involving spatula’s, rope and possibly a plastic chair… I know I deserve it, for coming on too strong.  Clearly you don’t like me as much as I thought you did, or at least not in that way.  Maybe I’m just a cool forehead of a girl you like to kiss.  There you go, drive out the gate.  Watch out for the taxi to your left as you leave me for your ex skank.

And then, just after I’m ranting to Cath, she’s plotting revenge and interception involving bouncers and dangerous “accidents” I get an sms.  It says:

“Sorry babe, please, please can we take a rain check some time soon?  I can’t believe the timing but I really needed to pooh.”

14 comments

  1. Amy says:

    That is hilarious! Yes, a slight overshare for someone you havent even slept with yet, but at least now you know he finds you attractive and wasnt running off to shag his ex….

    Its odd, but i’ve never though bowel movements would equal peace of mind….

  2. Po says:

    Sheesh, there had to be a good reason for him saying no! But was he too shy to do it in your house? The poo I mean, not the other thing.

  3. Stew says:

    I wasn’t going to say anything. I was just going to go about my lurking lifestyle silently stalking you through the electrons albeit chuckling and then I read Amy’s comment. LOL

    Seriously though, you might want to ascertain if he was talking about the bear rather than the bowel movement.

  4. angel says:

    mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa… shebeeliciousness, only you could crack me up when i’m on the very brink of spitting snakes right along with you!!!

  5. Murakh says:

    Ah … a valid excuse at least. I mean, it is skande for a man to take a dump in a woman’s loo … At the very least not before doing the beastly thing

    The poor poor man ….

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