I’ve added to Morty’s safe keeping

My favourite thing to do is go to the beach alone. I used to live in a flat right on the beachfront and every afternoon I would go down in my work clothes and sit on the shore line and let the waves roll over my feet. As they would seep back into the swell, so would the days tension. I loved it. But then I moved further away, Winter had come and gone, and my life changed.

Years on, the beach is my solace. Isn’t that funny, since I don’t ever swim in the ocean? The last time I went to the beach was when I found out Andrew had died. I had gone down in the rain, and walked along the shoreline completely alone with the sand and sea, and cried until my throat hurt. I’ve been meaning to go down ever since, but just haven’t been able to. It sounds silly, but I was too terrified of going back to that isolated and desperately sad feeling again if I went.

On the way home today, I decided that I had avoided Summer all…well, Summer. The weather was perfect, the drive from work was loud (I had on my new Now48) and the ocean was calling. I arrived in the parking lot, and had to circle it three times before I made up my mind to get out the car.

With my shoes chucked off, I eventually got out and climbed down the stairs onto the sand. My hair was loose, my work skirt hiked up into my underwear and I was free, in every sense of the word. I must have just sat there for ages. Something about the sound of the ocean brings out feeling in me. Not necessarily bad feeling, like I mentioned before, but a feeling of inner being. I felt alive.

For the first time in ages, I let myself go into myself. Thats a pretty scary feat since I usually get lost when I allow it to happen. The emotions locked away so deep inside of my heart are usually under a guarded safe, with lock and key and a big buff oke named Morty. Morty is my inner body guard, and he guards well.

If I had to choose one song to represent my life over the last few months it would be Apologise, by Timbaland. The words give me goosebumps and one particular paragraph reminds me so much of him and the feelings we shared. You will see on your right that I now have a scrolling gadget of the words to Apologise. This blog was started for myself, and although I’ve gathered readers along the way, ultimately the blog is a part of me, for me. Andrew is now a part of me, in my heart, and I think the best way to add him to my blog instead of my archives would be to have the song that represents everything, displayed on every page of this site.

 

I think I am finally able to reach the stage where I can look back and have nostalgic smiles and memories without having to retreat into my cave mode. Going back in my history of dealing with death, I’ve beat my own record on how long it took me to get here.

I haven’t forgotten what we had, I haven’t lost the memories, I haven’t deleted the feeling. I’ve purposely misplaced it on the Morty shelf of ‘what would have been so very lovely to have, and how sad I wont’. It has been added to Morty’s safe keeping.

 

 

*A very deep, meaningful Thank you to you, my friend who knows who you are, for sharing that time on the beach with me today in spirit.