It’s in her eyes that I see me…

“I will never be like you!”

At the age of 16.  I screamed it at her when she caught me sneaking around with my 24 year old boyfriend instead of being at school like I was supposed to be.  I never thought it would come back to bite me in the arse so badly.  I am exactly like her.

  • I see it when I want to throw shoes at someone who chews loudly.
  • I see it when I get emotional over silly things that the boys laugh about.
  • I see it when Flea looks at me and tells me “Oh my god, you sound JUST like Gwen!”
  • I see it when I become paranoid over the safety of others.
  • I see it when I look at photos of the two of us.
  • I see it when my brothers are horrified at my tone of voice in reprimanding them.
  • I see it in my reaction to car guards.
  • I see it in my dreams.
  • I feel it in my heart.

I am exactly like her.  And I’m beginning to be okay with it.

 

“Every night I go to bed and wish and pray for one thing: that you will have a daughter exactly like you! Then you’ll see how hard this is for me”

I never ever contemplated it until I stared into the eyes of my own daughter and wished and prayed that she turned out anything but.  Although Kiera didn’t live long enough to learn defiance, I secretly hope she would’ve been more like me.  Maybe I need a bit of my own medicine to repent for all the years I gave hell.

 

“I need you”

The words I’ve never had to utter.  Because she always just knows. 

  • Like that time I was in a club and in trouble, she arrived and rushed me to hospital without me having to alert her.
  • Or the time she called me after 3 weeks of not speaking to me, because she’d dreamt I was pregnant and I was.
  • And on the day Brandon was shot how she fell apart a few minutes before the phone call that confirmed her fears were legit. 

She always just knows.

 

“One day you will thank me”

And I do.  I never did, but I do now.  I thank her silently every day for being the person she is, having the patience she does, believing in me as much as I could hope for, wanting to be with me as often as it drives me mad, loving me no matter how many times I’ve let her down or disappointed her, being proud of the silly things I do and for sharing my love of words with those around her, bragging that it was her daughter who wrote them.

  • Thank you for letting me be me, even though you disagree with most of my choices and despite almost always being right, you let me be me.
  • Thank you for holding your tongue (mostly) when all I know you want to do is stick it out and sing “I told you so!”
  • Thank you for giving me my siblings to love.
  • Thank you for remembering Kiera as much as I do.
  • Thank you for growing up with me.
  • Thank you for letting me be the parent sometimes, even though I know you hate it.
  • Thank you for always putting your children first even though we all try and half-heartedly encourage you to not.
  • Thank you for changing your path and altering your history by not following example. 
  • Thank you for teaching me that no matter how old you are, or what everyone else says, it’s never to late to try again.
  • Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with the world.  It’s a better place for it.

 

“I miss you”

Something I’ve found myself saying so much more often than I’ve ever done in the past.

 

“Happy Birthday”

On 11 July a star was born.  It was shiny, it was loud, it was prominant and it was my mommy.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to share your day, Mam. I love you so, so, so much.

 

And finally,

 mam

“My ribs are sore”

She knows why.

12 comments

  1. cath says:

    hugest loves to your mama. this post is gonna make her driz in pride, like i know she would.

    cue phonecall.

    xxxx

  2. SheBee says:

    Cath – dude. Waaah. She just called and, yup – you guessed it, water works abound! Says I must tell you you know too much!

    Karnie!!!!!!!! Awww my cuzzie I miss you too! Huge love!

    Po – dude. I’m hoping you aren’t the spitting image of him though :-/ unless, yano, that’s your thang… O.o

  3. Sparkles says:

    gee your mom looks so young in that pic!!! you guys look more like sisters there and I’m not saying you look old she just looks young in the pic, you should pass on these compliments to her 😛

    lovely post.

  4. acidicice says:

    Now you really have me bawling! Such a sweet post, that makes me very sad. Two days later the opposite of a star was born and she became My Evil Mother.

    I’m so glad you have this.

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