Is the world coming to an end? Crapture!

There are so many things going on lately, I’m almost convinced that it should mean something, like, serious. Tornados in America, floods in New Zealand, earthquakes in Japan, ash clouds every second week, mullets in Boksburg… I think God is trying to tell us something.

I’m not usually a paranoid person*, but lately I’m so overwhelmed with anxiety over the stupidest** things. Things like the following:

  1. Do I have cancer? I have a pain in my chest, under my left boob, that won’t go away. For four days now. It must be cancer.
  2. Am I pregnant? The morning sickness I’ve had for a month now is killing me. But I haven’t been late and don’t have any other symptoms, so I can’t be. Also, the timing would really suck. A lot. Crap. The timing would suck. So now I’m paranoid about the fact that because the timing sucks, I must be pregnant***. The girls laugh at me when I tell them this. According to Tam & Heidi, I’ve been crying wolf about being pregnant since they met me. I was told that they will not buy into my baking-a-kid paranoia until said kid actually pops out of my vagina.  TOTALLY NOT CHOOSING THEM AS THE GODMOTHERS.  Bitches.  Who needs friends, right?
  3. Am I good enough? This is a worry that encompasses all things in life. Work, friendship, love, climbing a staircase… these things keep rearing their ugly head’s when I least want them to.

With all of that in mind, would I be completely ridiculous to have a tiny lashing of belief in the rapture rumours?  Even though it’s now been postponed, I’m genuinely relieved.  Because for one second on Saturday night, as it struck 6pm and I hadn’t burst into flames, I was grateful the world did not end before my very eyes, and instead I got to have lunch**** with my girls and the following conversation will be engraved in my heart always:

Heidi: “Well, bitches, if I could choose anyone to spend the last day on earth with, it would be… Bradley Cooper.  Since he’s not here, I guess you two are okay.

Tam: “Fuck you guys, I had nothing better to do”.

 

* That is a lie.
** It is a real word, fuck you.
*** I am not pregnant, Mom.  Don’t celebrate just yet.
**** “Lunch” consisted of a lot of alcohol and a melted tray of Woolies macaroni & cheese, flattened like a pancake.

12 comments

  1. BiancaW says:

    The timing of offspring is never right. I am with your mom on this one. Hurrythefuckup!

    🙂

    See – your chicks also think Bradley Cooper is hot…..not just me. I am gutted that he is a chop.

  2. sass says:

    wahahaha!!! god is trying to tell you something! 1. she doesn’t exist and 2. that you need to write more damn blog-posts! 😉

  3. Gwen Ross aka Mom says:

    You are far too good enough so what the hell send those insecure, nasties back to the dungeon, evil complex get thee behind me !!!! Oh yeah can the baby thing hurry up now I want my very own little Jewess/Princess pleeeeeeeeeease. xx

  4. Amy says:

    You make me laugh woman – and though Bradley Cooper is pretty cute, i have to say you’re not a bad second choice…

  5. CC says:

    Bradley Cooper :/ bad taste…..

    I’ve had a sharp pain in the same place recently too!!! 🙁 but think its under the boob, maybe the heart or lung. I know I have some weird thing attacking my system at the moment so its scaryyyyyyyyy, going into hospital on friday. Do you still smoke? maybe your bra is too tight?

    Why wouldn’t you be good enough? of course you are, you seem like a really nice person, who actually is so good anyways, everyone’s an asshole in their own way. relax.

    The natural events occurring now will worsen next year, I’d say dont travel overseas next year, I think SA is kinda safe in that regard.

Comments are closed.