I’m snot.

I’ve been complaining about having no energy, and falling apart. So, seeing the shrink today (that I have not seen in over three years) brought me back to thinking how batshit insane I have become.

Although I have accomplished things in life that I didn’t think possible back then, there is a side to me that I have locked closed into a little room and thrown away the key. To me, this side should be dead. And although I am not suicidal, the thought of death would be a lot more simple. The realisation I have had is, this side of me that wants to be dead is the side of me I am not allowing to live.

This is complicated shit, I know. Bear with me, or move along to a skippier post I’ve written on another occassion, right now I need to breathe and talk about this.
After Kiera died, a part of me died with her. I have not allowed the most important part of me to show in my personality – the important part that is my subconscious.
If I had to ask my friends to give you a resume of my persona, they would use the following words:

  • In Control
  • Strong
  • Brave
  • Determined

That all sounds just dandy, but the truth is, all those things I portray outwards are the cause of 99% of my problems! The reason I am batshit insane, is because I am so busy being ‘in control’ of being ‘strong, brave and determined’. This is why I do not have energy, people. My energy is being sucked dry because I am not allowing myself to feel things.

Think of it this way, I am the glue (made from energy), and my resume is the broken jar I am holding together. The glue is working so hard to keep the jar fixed that it has now been infested by raging infected bacteria, germs and fungi that it is no longer sticky, it can’t hold anything together anymore, so its become snot.

Thats right, I said snot. Still firm, but absolutely bloody useless at fixing anything.

Therefore, I need to medicate and nurture the snot in order for it to go back to being glue. I want to be glue again, I’m happy when I am glue. Being snot is not cool in the slightest manner of all things normal and sane.

I love my shrink, she’s as loopy as I am, but the nice thing is that she makes sense where I don’t. Also, she suggested I try Cranio Sacral Therapy. I have heard about really bad experiences, so I am a bit bleak about it. Any peices of ass-vice for me? Have you heard about it, or tried it?