I’m not here for your entertainment, you don’t really wanna mess with me tonight, just stop and take a second, I was fine before u walked into my life

So. I’ve slept on it. I’m not still mad as hell. Here’s what went down in conversation yesterday:

AA: You’re probably so mad at me you’ll kill me when you see me (there’s a lot of “ee” sounds in that sentence).
It’s Me.
(Remember, he was using a new name, so I might not have recognised it)

Me: Mad? I am hugely mad. I’m so mad I could cry with relief that you are, in fact, still breathing you asshole. Now that I know you are, fuck you. Do you have any idea what I’ve been thinking?

AA: I’m sorry! Had a busy few months. I’m ok. You?

Me: Okay, I will tell you since you don’t want to know what I’ve been thinking. Pick a number:

1. You died
2. You got married, then died
3. You did something illegal, then skipped the country, and died
4. You came here, saw me, realized I was weird, went home, and died
5. Out of the blue, you decided we were a silly little chat thing, not worth much, I wasn’t important enough to say ‘hey, listen I’m going to be really busy for a while, just bare with me ok?’

Which one, “[New Name]”?

AA: Oh shut up I had to change my name for my clients’ sake. My clients are all from the UK and they don’t understand that my name is AA. So management thought it will be better to tell them my name is [insert dorky new name]. Your blog still going?

I then proceeded to ignore him, as clearly I was getting nowhere with the questions. I have never met someone so infuriating in my life.

Later, probably an hour (longest hour ever for someone as curious as me) I started again.

Me: So….. we’re not going to discuss the last two months

AA: No, we’re not. SOrry.

Me: You INFURIATE me. No one’s life can be so special and secretive that they can’t talk about it.

AA: It’s not special, not secretive, it’s just a long discussion that I’m not in the mood for right now. We can talk about it tomorrow. OK?
Calm down, breath, go make yourself a milo and give Leon a hug.

Me: No! I do not want to hug leon, I do not want a milo because I’m on a die…- eating plan. You would know this, if you HADN’T DROPPED OFF THE FUCKING EARTH FOR TWO MONTHS! ….
Sigh.

This would be so much more fun in real life. At least there would be make up sex.
I hate you.

AA: Hey don’t say that. That’s harsh. Aren’t you at least happy that I’m not dead? Imagine what you would have felt like if I was dead???

And the make up sex would’ve been dodgy and illegal…………..

Me: Don’t fucking make me laugh! It’s not a funny matter. I’m mad at you. And I’m hurt.

And I really missed you.

AA: I know. Me too. And I promise it won’t happen again, OK?

Please explain to me, slowly, how I am meant to stay mad?