I’m in pieces and I don’t know how or what to do in order to cope with being me

I’ve been doing so well. I’ve been distracted in the way that my world fell down what with losing my job, home, life as I know it, that I haven’t focussed on whats going on in my head with regards to Andrew.

Well to be honest, of course he’s been on my mind, alot, but I have been pushing him away, thinking there are more immediate and important things to sort out. The truth is, I am still heart broken. I am ‘still in mourning’ as Wiggly jokingly said to me yesterday.

Andrew took my breathe away. And I’m still craving him so much. I fell so hard, so fast, so deeply in love with him, and it scared the bejesus out of me. I’ve been posting lightly lately, and although I wasn’t faking the cheer, I’ve been putting on a brave face.

I’m running away. There, real life friends, I’ve said it. Yes, my boyfriend died and now I am running. I don’t want to be here anymore. I know he wasn’t part of my ‘physical life’ but so what? In my heart he was. Thats good enough for me.

I look at my life, and how I would have let him in and shared it with me. I imagine what we could have done. I imagine what he would have taught me, and already dwell on what he has. I listen to Apologize, and weep.

I’m so angry. I’m so cheated without him. I’ve been tested. He would have been my break in life, like Bridget once said. And fuck it, I did deserve a break. More importantly, he did too. Even more so than me, maybe.

Today I spoke to Andrews best friend. For ages. God, he was wonderful. Just like I imagined him to be, just like Drew said he was. I’ve met all these people, and come to know them, and without Andrew in the picture, I am no longer terrified of being the outsider, getting to know their friend. I feel like I’m sharing part of him, coming from my side and theirs.

I’m so sorry that I missed out. Because this time round, it was the mother load and not just a inconsequential little fling. He might not have been ‘The One’ but he was certainly a very good possibility.

I told Britt about him last night. Britt is my oldest and closest friend. She has been trying to see me for weeks, and I’ve been putting it off. I knew that once I saw her, and had a chance to speak, I would have to confront how I felt about Andrew. And I was right. It was so much easier to push it aside, and think ‘ah well, you know, he had that flaw that I hated so much, it probably wouldn’t have worked’ and when I told Britt about it, she said to me with tears in her eyes;

“Sheen, you loved him, didn’t you? I can see it in your eyes, and the way you are trying not to cry in front of me. Cry, baby girl. He deserved it. He sounded perfect for you, oh my god, for the first time, I can say that about a guy and mean it. He would have been your perfect match.”
Well for fuck sakes. I couldn’t even fool Britt, so how the fuck am I meant to be fooling myself? I am heart broken. And I am failing miserably at covering it up, I know that now. Chatting to Mike brought home how much I miss him.
So, readers*, this is me – falling apart in my moment of absolute weakness and heartache. I’m not coping. And I don’t know what to do about it. How do you pretend to not care about someone dying?
* That includes you, Andrew’s quadrant. I know now that you’ve been reading my blog. Good god I was angry when I found out. Andrew should never have let you have the address. But I suppose this is because I felt exposed and uncomfortable about you reading my inner thoughts before I got to meet you and decide for myself if you really were as bitchy as he said you would be. In fact, I’ll quote something I read of his yesterday:
“The Quadrant is going to put her through her paces, I know she is more than equal to it. I’m not telling her that they will never accept her or like her much. The Quadrant is very good at making all the women in my life feel like they are a threat to our friendship, that way, the woman tries extra hard with me and it’s a win-win situation.I know that looks bad, but I have told my girls to behave themselves. “
Was he right? Did he have you sussed? As intimidating as you all sound, I am sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet you, the girls that he spoke about so lovingly.