I’m gonna be a Cape Flats gansteress!

So, I’m in esCapeTown.  It is GORGEOUS.  I love the mountain.  I love the Bergies.  I love the squatter camps.  I love the fucked up highways.  Everything is backwards here, people drive on the yellow lines, the houses are slap bang on the side of highways!

Today we marched into the Sahara offices demanding the dude behind the counter to fix this shit on my laptop so that I could use it without the temptation of throwing the pc out the nearest window to me.  It worked, sort of.  I have a huge network cable sticking out the side of the screen now, so wireless connection is a bit fucked and useless if it doesn’t work.

Richard drove up and down one of the main roads here so that I could relocate a dwarf beggar wearing a gold sequence jacket.  It would have been perfect as a photo, but alas – he was gone. Instead we pulled over to the side of the main road where I stood atop the car in order to take a pic of the Table.  This mountain is fucking unbelievably stunning.  I now know what has been missing in my life:  an overgrown hill on steriods, it makes me happy.

My mission is to find a gang of Cape Flats gangsters graffitying and convince them to do an interview with me.  Questions will be as follows:

  • Do you use crack?
  • Is it kiff?
  • How many chics have you initiated into your gang this week?
  • Did they have to perform sexual acts?
  • If not, can I be the next gang member?
  • Please? I will walk around with whatever colour bandana wrapped around my arm – it doesn’t phase me.

Richard drives like a bloody maniac on the road – each trip is a risk of life or death, what fun!  Shame, the poor man turns into a a screaming Dora Queen at least every second hour as I have taken over his internet connection, his computer, his bed at times, his couch and the TV remote.  Must be a bitch to have a chic like me colonising his home.

Pros

  1. Have definately claimed better bed, mine is of hotel caliber.
  2. The airline hostess joked about our destination being Mauritius, but she actually wasn’t far wrong.  The weather is fit for a queen on crack.  Seriously, it is a STUNNING day.
  3. There is an orbitrek here!  Fancy excersize bike thingy.  Cool!

Cons

  1. There is a very scary granny next door who glared at me this morning when I accidentally threw my cigarette butt into her boganvillia / rose / lavendar bush.  I dunno what fucking bush it was goddamnit, but she was mad as hell.  Not even the DazzleSmile I do cracked her concrete stare.
  2. Kids are everywhere and this morning I had a peeping tom right through my very own bedroom window.  Thank fuck I had just put away the vibrator.  Har har.  Only joking.  (It was still out).  LOL!  I am full of mischief today.
  3. There is an orbitrek here.  Fuck.  No more excuses for flabby me as of now.

The last week at home was a mad house.  I will miss everyone tremendously, but this break away gives them a chance at going back to being fabulous again and not just whining nitwits who keep making me feel like I’m neglecting them because I’ve been so bloody busy.

So there you have it.  Consider yourselves updated.  I’m so glad to be back, and I will catch up on all of you shortly if I haven’t already!