I found a solution to confronting!

You know, if you had to force me to weigh up the pros and cons of living in Durban vs. Hoburg, I could probably tell you that although I love my home city, Hoburg would win.  Except for today.  Not only am I PMSing insanely but this afternoon I was stuck in traffic and PMSing.  So right now, Durban wins.  Purely because although its likely that I could still PMS in Durban, I probably wouldn’t want to simultaneously kill myself and everyone around me with a fork, some string and a four pound fucking hammer, because in Durban, there is no traffic.

On my way home from an emotionally and mentally EXHAUSTING day, I was stuck behind the wheel, smoke in hand, music blaring as is my way of recharging at the end of the work day (or night as it so usually happens) when I noticed that the dude behind me was chewing with his mouth open, like a cow to cud.  Which made me also notice that he was getting a little bit too close for my liking…

What, would you like to park in my boot, fuck nut? I thought, mockingly.  And I swear to God he heard me, because I can put my hand on the holy bible, that dude inched even more forward.  Strangely, his face even looked menacing and practically screamed “whatchagonnado, huh?”.  Well.  He clearly has not met me, Sheena The Almighty.  So what did I do?  I silently seethed, shut my trap and inched a bit forward with an apologetic look on my face for the sake of the driver in front of me.  Confrontational motherfucker that I am…

About two seconds later, I’m scowling at my rearview mirror and I see this guy snacking on a packet of something, literally chewing sideways, like a fucking cow.  I promise you I’m not exaggerating!  Fewer things piss me off in life than someone who cannot close their mouth while chewing.  THEN the guy starts smsing on his stupid little non-Blackberry, so his eyes are not even remotely watching where he’s driving.  I watch in horror and anticipation as his car creeps closer and closer to the back of mine and as I closed my eyes waiting for the impact, my hand did its own thing and honked the hooter angrily.

I opened my eyes in surprise, and to my dismay, the driver in front of me whips off her seat belt, opens her door, leans out and starts screaming at me!  WHAT?!

Front driver: DID YOUR MUVVER NEVER TEACH YOU ANY MANNERS?  WHY IS YOU HOOTING AT ME? AND STOP DRIVING UP MY GAT, FOK!

Me: Um?

I was flummoxed.  All I was trying to do was avoid the tosswanker behind me!  So I sat there in my car stewing, willing the robot to go green and I happened to spot the back driver behind me laughing.  LAUGHING.  HE FUCKING LAUGHED.  AT ME!!!! Good God Almighty, that was the last straw.

So I whipped off my seat belt, opened my door, got OUT OF MY CAR, and stomped over to his driver side.  I banged on his roof and screamed like a banshee until he opened his window.  The minute he did, I let rip:

WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, FUCKER?

*breath*

…YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY?  THE ONLY REASON SHE’S PISSED IS BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO AVOID YOUR COW CUD CHEWING SELF, SMSING OFF YOUR 1940’S PHONE WHILE YOU’RE DRIVING YOUR FUCKED UP UGLY AND OLD MERCEDES! JESUS! BACK THE FUCK UP, BUCKY!

*breath*

And if you wouldn’t mind too terribly, please close your mouth when you’re eating, I can see your tonsils. It’s rude.

And with that I turned around, walked back to my car, lit a smoke and turned up my music.  He didn’t come within hearing distance again.  And I noticed that he stopped eating, smoking and smsing too.

So it looks like all I have to do around here to defend myself and actually confront someone is be hormonal, bloated, pimply and have a very fucked up day.

Win!

14 comments

  1. MeeA says:

    I’ve been known to have a few spectacular road rage outbursts myself – we should totally get together & share! ;-P

    Chews Like Cow sounds like a total tosser – good on ya for putting him in his place!

  2. aasia says:

    If it helps. after yesterday I hate both male and female drivers alike. Drive like rapists, in and out and in and out of the fucking lanes. I have had it!

  3. Tara says:

    Thanks for the laugh. Whenever some creeps up on my like that in traffic (which isn’t often, because well Grahamstown has a rush minute. On a bad day.) I stay put. Don’t move. Where’s he going to go?

    Thanks for the giggle!

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