I choose to smile

This weekend has been one of absolute mania and relaxation rolled into one. On Friday afternoon I received bad news which sent me into mild hysteria. A hysteria that caused me to drive over to a long time friend and sock the majority of a bottle of absolute vodka and then go onto horrible wine. It didn’t make the images in my head go away, but it certainly managed to stop the trembling and feeling of complete helplessness and anger.

The post you read before this one was written in complete reaction to my news and was perhaps misdirected. I am angry, yes, I won’t deny that – but not with Andrews friend. I’m sorry it gave you that impression. I won’t be needing a shovel, thank you anyway.

I’m angry with Andrew. I’m angry with myself. I’m angry that life is sometimes so cruel and heartless and basically just a great big pain in the proverbial ball sack. I wish I had done so many things differently. I wish I hadn’t fallen in love with such a confused man who had so many problems of his own. I wish a lot of things. But none of them so strong as the wish that Andrew was still here with all of us, the people who loved him despite his flaws, today.

I know you readers are probably so confused about what caused my would-be boyfriend to die, and I am grateful that no one has asked. The truth is, I don’t know how. Both explanations I have been given are equally heartbreaking and unbelievable in their own right. I wish I had answers. There’s another wish I will never be granted.

I have decisions to make about my life. Decisions that involve me, mostly, which in itself is scaring the hell out of me. I’ve always had someone who I could sit with and allow their opinions to influence mine, but this time round, the decisions needing to be made have to come from me. I’ve admitted to be running away. I’m at peace with this decision, running is something Andrew and I had in common, it soothed us both. But I’m not doing it for him, this is for me.

I’m running in order to find what I want out of this life. In running, I’m hoping to slow down my thought process and just enjoy what comes my way. I’ve made a conscious decision to say yes to anything that might be good for me.

Yesterday I got onto a quad bike for the first time since a very serious accident a long time ago. It involved my ex boyfriend, and I’ve been terrified of them ever since. The day I found out about Andrews death, Kim had me on a horse, and I was flung off, as you all know. Yesterday she got me on a quad bike. With me being in control, I let the wind blow my hair, and the mud get stuck on my shoes. I can honestly say I can’t remember feeling so at peace.

I went mad and within an hour had remembered all my old tricks and was driving around like a bat on four wheels, straight out of the gates of hell. It didn’t matter that I had on Gucci sunglasses, or Guess jeans. I was being spontaneous, and I loved it.

My new motto is to do what is good for me. What is good for ME. Its long over due, and I need to get a move on with being me again.

I’m taking Andrews memory with me, and have decided to forgive him for being human, whichever way he checked out of life, he was loved by me, and anger just mocks that and as far as I am concerned, it’s a wasteful energy to spend.

In remembering him, I choose to smile.