I am the condom culprit.

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Something I’ve wanted to write about for ages, but never have. Buying condoms. Peas wrote about it last year, which kind of put me off because quite honestly, she did such a good job I didn’t think I could top her story. Until Friday afternoon happened.

I went into my local Pick n Pay, with the aim of buying cat food. I ended up emptying the entire shelf of their gourmet entree chicken things, as my cat has decided she’s full of shit and refuses to eat anything else (thanks, my darling boyfriend, you’ve spoiled her. Just like I said you would).

Having a bit of extra time on my hands, I wandered through the aisles, until I got to the toiletries section, and low and behold: they’re now stocking condoms, right there out in the open and everything.

Now usually I make Jon do this honour, while I sit in the car and giggle like a special person. I’ve been known to even tweet my anxiety. Buying condoms, as with tampons, is really the worst thing in the world ever. For some reason, as much as I over-share here on my blog, it’s something that KILLS me in person. The idea of everyone in the shop knowing what I want to do is too much.

Cue the scene of me on Friday, in the tampon aisle, staring at the condoms, willing myself to become invisible. I knew that I’d save Jon some time if I just manned up and grabbed a box. Except there was an old lady not a metre away from me, and I swear she could sense what I was about to do because she kept looking over her shoulder at me and frowning.

Eventually, with the speed of light, I stuck out my hand and grabbed some condom box that seemed to be the same colour as our usuals. Only, two boxes came stuck to it. Not wanting to look like a sex predator, in my attempt to unstuck them, my elbow went crashing into the shelf and a millionty seven other boxes came flying down with the freaking shelf.

By now, the granny had turned right around took one look at me, shook her head and tut-tutted her way to the cashiers to tell on me and the mess I’d just created.

And so I did the responsible adult thing, I flung one box into the trolley, did a U-turn, threw a few other toiletries on top of the condoms on my way back down the aisle and sped to the bakery where I hung out between the bread rolls and spied on the confused looking granny & Pick n Pay staff member looking for the condom culprit.

Sigh. I’m never doing it again, I don’t care if I never have sex until I’m 40 – I will not buy condoms again, it’s all up to Jon now. I didn’t at first succeed and so now I’m going to pretend that I never even tried.

18 comments

  1. Hardspear says:

    The other day, when standing in the PnP queue I saw the man in front of me buying condoms and cherry flavour lubricant. When I looked up, I recognised him as one of the execs of the place where I am working.

    1 problem though. I was on a business trip in Cape Town, so was he. I know for a fact his wife did not accompany him. We pretended not to know each other…

  2. Shebee says:

    Steve – goodie šŸ™‚

    Meg – omg! How epic is your fiance?

    Ruckwart – being “forwards” is common, oke.

    Snapping Turtle – hope you didn’t hurt yourself, yo.

    Cazpi – good to hear!

    Hardspear – you see dude? This is precisely why I hate buying them things – people make assumptions! But ya, shame on that guy – sies man.

  3. Richard says:

    Do what I do. Find the smallest pharmacy on the other side of the world and buy like 50. When she rings them up looking amazed, tell her you work at Teazers.

  4. cath says:

    Dude. LOL.

    Try being WITH CAM IN THE TROLLEY WHEN I BUY THEM and her turning to another lady in the aisle and saying “my mom’s buying boy balloons”.

    Try CAM FINDING THEM IN MY DRAWER AND THEN ASKING ME WHAT THEY ARE, in front of her grandparents.

  5. Weetod Did says:

    Years back, when ppl only wore condoms for no-babies, they made quarter sized condoms, they only went over the end of ur penis, kinda tite, but worked well.
    Don’t go onto a chemist and ask for quarter sized condoms, the lady looks at you real sad like, and you look confused when she doesn’t know what you talking about,.. really, they just go over the end lady, not the whole thing.

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