How to show people how insanely fucking stupid you are:

Some woman, I won’t even tell you who she is, has blogged a step by step guide on how to be the perfect Stupid Bitch.

That’s my term anyway, I think she called it “Perfect Wife”.

For your perusal, I present to you the worlds dumbest guide I have ever read in my life:

Submit to your husband
Your husband might tell you what to do all of the time, or he might only put his foot down once in a while. Submit to his leadership as long as he doesn’t ask you to do something that is a sin. Even if he does try to get you to do wrong sometimes, you can still obey him in other areas. You can respectfully disagree with bad decisions or try to influence him, but he has the final say so in your decisions as a couple. Once your husband is confident that you respect his authority, he might put you in charge of several areas. My husband has delegated handling our finances to me, but from time to time, I will ask his advice about a financial decision that I make. If you want to be the neck that turns the head, you’ve got to let the head be the head.

Are you fucken kidding me?  Are you?  I have *never* in my life heard such utter bullshit.  Except for once, when I was watching a documentary.  ON AMISH PEOPLE.

Treat him like a man
Making your husband feel like a man goes hand in hand with submission. Be impressed with even his smallest accomplishments. Praise him in a sincere way for the good he does instead of nagging about his shortcomings. Talk him up in front of other people. Plant ideas in his head if you need to, but let him think your ideas are his own.

I’m sorry, are we talking about a child here?  A pet, maybe?  Men are stupid sometimes, agreed, but good lord – does any man honestly want to be treated this way?  Surely you look for some challenge, some personality?  I don’t know, maybe a bit of fucking back bone?

Don’t take him for granted!
I’ve talked to too many women who complain about petty things, while other wives are wondering if their husband will come home at night. Those of us who’ve been through tough times in the past, don’t worry if our husbands “work too much” or never use the dirty clothes hamper. We don’t mind if he never changes little Jr.’s diaper or takes the trash out.

Yeah, I’m guessing its because you have no mind of your own.  That’s absolute crap, if you can sperminate and reproduce a kid, you damn well better be changing its shitty nappy right along side me.  I’m just saying.

Don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire
I once counseled a woman who wanted to leave her husband because he was never home.  I told her she would miss him a lot more if they divorced, and that she needed to picture him coming over with his new girlfriend to pick up their son. She took my advice for awhile and stayed with him, but then her parents talked her into moving to another state for a trial separation. It was after she left him all alone, that he was seen at a party, flirting with another girl. All of the resulting drama could have been avoided if she had overlooked his undesirable work schedule and realized that he was a good provider. Perhaps he would have looked for a local position if she didn’t nag him when we was home, or maybe she could have taken up a hobby to keep herself busy while he was away. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot, ladies!

So, because she was sick of having to do all the shit alone in a marriage, and stood up for herself, it was her fault that he was found flirting with some flerrie at a party?  Why don’t you light up another sock there to smoke, dude.   “Perhaps he would have looked for a local position if she didn’t nag him when we was home, or maybe she could have taken up a hobby”?  Oh please. My man must even TRY pull that one with me.  He’d wake up with one less testicle and a rusty teaspoon lying next to him.

Pray that YOU will change
Of course you pray for your husband to change his ways when he’s not treating you right, but I think God likes it more when you pray that YOU will do better. During hard times, pray that you will be a better wife.

Holy Jesus knows right here, right now, that I am swearing out loud and he’s okay with it.  Because he called me and said to tell you he wants your brain back, it’s being recycled due to wastage.

When Momma ain’t happy…
When you were dating, it was your husband’s job to impress you with his charm and chivalry, but now, it’s your job to set the tone of the relationship. Make yourself and your house look good and be in a good mood when he walks in the door after work. Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically and spiritually. Happiness is a decision sometimes, and he wants to feel like he makes you happy.

Please fuck off and die in a fire.  “If he wants to feel he makes me happy then he should get off his fat ass and DO something about it”, said the entire NORMAL female population.

Make some of his priorities, yours
You can’t always be the perfect person, but ask yourself what is important to him. Every man has different priorities. Before my husband gets home, I try to have the bed made with the TV remote placed on top so he doesn’t have to search for it. I have the dishes done and the kitchen clean and swept, and I have a fresh towel within reach of the shower. Having dinner ready between 5 and 5:30 is also a biggie. I know that those are his minimum priorities, and if I get the rest of my chores done after that, great!

Look, I’m all down with doing the little things that make them happy, okay?  But after dinner should be ‘our’ chores.  And that tv remote thingie is lame, unless in return he thoughtfully places my tampons on the bathroom sink where they’re easily accessible.

Forgive and forget
I’ve been married for almost 14 years. We’ve been through problems that I would never discuss in this blog, but my life is so much better since I have stopped dwelling on the negatives. My husband got saved about seven years into our marriage and our relationship keeps getting better. When we do have an argument, I try to only discuss the issue at hand, rather than bringing up the past. When we have a bad day, I remind myself of several things: We are still in love and have lots of fun together. He’s a great father to our kids. We’re both growing spiritually. He’s making good money. God has worked wonders in our marriage!

“He’s making good money” is all I read that was actually believable.  And maybe the good father bit.  What about “he’s a fireball in bed” or “oh my fuck, last night he wrote me a funny poem”?  That stuff would do it for me.

Dudes, seriously.  I’m no expert on relationshits, we know this, but the lady up above there is OFF TAP if she thinks that is the rational, logistical way of taking care of a man.  And if any men here agree with her, well I don’t ever want to meet you face to face, you freaks.

Stupid woman!  I actually think I need to go have a bubble bath and congratulate myself on deciding to never get married. I might even sms Dano and tell him what a fucktard he is.  Because I can.  The Amish-like woman can’t stop me.

43 comments

  1. Po says:

    Shebee, was this blog written in the 1800’s? Because I feel like I have just time travelled.

    Do people eat dinner at 5:30pm?!

    I don’t really have a good response to this except, I think your suggestion about the tampons is the best I have heard all year.

  2. B says:

    i read this post earlier and couldnt believe that there is someone out there that stills believes this crap..

    … and fucktard is a polite word for her stupidity.. she gives all women a bad name and she should have her guava sewn shut to prevent reproduction..

    ..my armpit…

  3. talita says:

    I was confused at first but then it dawned on me; the only reasonable explanation for this reeking drivel is that it is written by a short, under-endowed, shortman syndrome syffering male of the species and it’s all a conspiracy to convert the real women of this world so that he has a shot at a single date before he dies.

    No woman could possibly betray her sex in such a heinous way. Although…sounds like it could hail from the deep American South – now that I will believe. If that is the case she should drop by in SA; we don’t burn bras – we burn traitors. Or am I over reacting? I think not.

  4. justBcoz says:

    @SwissTwist … aaaah, please PLEASE don’t wear that statement. You’re wrong to think in that way.

    Remember this: 1) Love is a choice and 2) you cannot force anyone to love you.

    Also, I’m not going to start bible-bashing here, but this lady’s post was based on scripture that was taken ever so slightly out of context and thus changes the entire meaning, so it would be a mistake for you to take her word as “gospel”.

    Mmk?

    You CANNOT beat yourself up or blame yourself!! BOTH of you are responsible for your marriage and to think otherwise is a dangerous road to travel down. You will destroy yourself in the process … take it from someone who’s been there.

    *hugs and pink bubbles*

    You are not alone.

  5. Shebee says:

    Swiss, honey – that isn’t true and you know it. Don’t ever make yourself feel responsible for someone else’s affections. Its totally up to them what they want to or don’t want to, feel.

    You are gorgeously beautiful inside and out, and if you feel he doesn’t love you, then find someone who will. You deserve to be loved.

    As for the rest of you poepols, the chick who wrote this is insane, yo. Maybe more so than I am.

  6. Po says:

    Swisstwist, I agree with Shebee and justB[coz], love is love, it is not expressed in making your man feel superior or washing his socks. I don’t do anything that that crazy woman says, I just make sure my bf knows I love him, and how to add fabric softener to the machine!

    If your hubby wasn’t appreciative of you, find someone who loves you for who you are!

  7. Amy says:

    I thought attitudes like that died out in the 60’s – you know, somewhere between the sexual revolution , the bra burning and the pot smoking ?

    Although, having smoked a tonne of pot could be the reason this woman has come up with this shit…

  8. leez says:

    Ithink its probably just a tongue in cheeck type of piece that was done really badly.

    If not I cant believe that such people do exist. And don’t knock the Amish. Some ideas are good. If not a liitle twisted. But twisted is good- no?

  9. candles says:

    OMG! I’m frikken speechless, actually. I cannot STAND that some women still believe that being a ‘wife’ is their place in life.

    Women don’t have to apologise for being strong. They don’t have to dumb themselves down to make their spineless wimpy men feel more masculine. If they do, then they’re with the wrong man.

    I mean, gawd!

  10. Hans says:

    What I love most about that post is the response it gets from yo’ ladies.

    Fact is we’re all unique – who gives a toss about what some arb women thinks is right. If it works for her saweet….

    We all know what we will or will not tolerate in a relationship.

    @Swisstwist – Justbooz hit it on the head.. Love is a choice, sometimes the people we love don’t love us back the same way, just the way it is… don’t beat yourself up about it.

    You need to love yourself first, the rest will surprisingly follow….

    Cool cool – just waiting for my coffee, full english breakfast, polished shoes, ironed clothes and sexual gratification from my GF before she heads off to make the bacon… he he

  11. Kerryn says:

    I am delurking to exclaim in a loud, not at all shrill voice :
    Over my dead f*cking body!!
    Is this the same woman who said that very, very hurtful thing to Tertia some time ago?
    It sounds like her, or maybe I just can’t believe that there is more than one woman in this world who would think like this!!!!!

  12. Shebee says:

    @Kerryn I also thought it might have been her, but I can’t find any reference on her site about it. She is a yank though, so maybe…

    @Guy, come now, you know you’d never be bored with me…

  13. nash says:

    Look, I don’t want to start anything, but…

    I don’t see the problem. The guy isn’t forcing the wife to behave like that. She want’s to. Ok, so she is delusional, but I bet her husband is fucken happy!

    She forgot to mention that, if as a woman or wife, you don’t listen to your husband the first time, it’s ok for him to use his belt. Just wanted to clear that up.

  14. Roger says:

    Going to probably incite violence & flaming with this, but i have the right to!
    … you know, I never used to think women should be like described. I always desired a woman with a backbone, a *partner*, and equal, a second half to a whole. Someone intelligent, with motivation etc. Yet after some recent extreme hurt by just such a woman, I tend to think that a “pet” may make a better wife. Someone who is just happy that you have walked in the door. Someone who dotes on you (me) hand and foot, who is just happy for the opportunity to make me happy.

    And no, I still dont *expect* all women to be like that, yet I think it would make a much happier, more pleasant relationshit … for both ….

  15. Shebee says:

    Roger good luck with that honey. I would find the pet rather dull and boring and kick in the shins, myself.

    But to each his own. Or so I’m told.

  16. Roger says:

    just to clarify, yes i am currently surfing thaibrides.com and russianbridesforsale.com …..

    SheBee … yes, it would be dull and boring. But thats why I have friends with brains .. intellectual stimulation can be had elsewhere ….

  17. Roger says:

    yeah, much the same as the real doll. still not self-cleaning though and cant do much other than lie there, which, if I understand it correctly, could be achieved with a bit of rohypnol anyways 😛

  18. B says:

    @roger.. you are twisted.. you know that?

    @shebee… guys best beware when the butler is near.. hahahahaha.. cos he comes with attachements AND can vibrate on request.. 😉

  19. Hans says:

    So the consensus is;

    None of ladies here can tolerate the stoopid bitch

    All of the men – Think she’s great!

    What’s with you yungsta’s?

  20. ExMi says:

    ‘fireball in bed’? now who’s using whose lines, eh?

    regardless. this woman should be beaten severely.

    she gives the rest of us a bad rep.

    and fuck that shit, my man changes shitty nappies, washes dishes, makes the bed, finds me the remote, runs out to buy more highlighters and tampons.

    that’s the real way a *man* should be.

  21. Shebee says:

    Ya whatever man. Fireball was an invented word before you were even a twinkle in your fathers ballsack, yo.

    ALright, alright, its YOUR word, I just borrowed it.

    I dunno, this theme randomly links words to previous posts. I have no control over it.

  22. ExMi says:

    ah right.

    and yes fireball was a word before me – but ‘fireball in bed’?

    i claim that.

    actually it’s from a Friends episode, Phoebe uses it.

    but i’m her SA counterpart. so it’s mine okay?

    but you can use it.

  23. dash says:

    god forbid that you rain your wrath down on me, but has it occurred to anyone that it just MIGHT be possible that this was written in jest?

    I mean. No one REALLY could think like this, could they?

    On the other hand I used to have a colleague that said as soon as she was married she would give up her job, nothing was more appealing to her than making sure dinner would be ready for her husband when she came home. I was speechless for a while when she told me. I asked if she was joking and she got offended. Some people just want this…

  24. Maxxy says:

    HAHAHA – she does sound like the perfect wife. At least she knows her place. You have a lot to learn young lady.

    * With Tongue firmly in cheek, Maxxy runs for cover *

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