Some woman, I won’t even tell you who she is, has blogged a step by step guide on how to be the perfect Stupid Bitch.

That’s my term anyway, I think she called it “Perfect Wife”.

For your perusal, I present to you the worlds dumbest guide I have ever read in my life:

Submit to your husband
Your husband might tell you what to do all of the time, or he might only put his foot down once in a while. Submit to his leadership as long as he doesn’t ask you to do something that is a sin. Even if he does try to get you to do wrong sometimes, you can still obey him in other areas. You can respectfully disagree with bad decisions or try to influence him, but he has the final say so in your decisions as a couple. Once your husband is confident that you respect his authority, he might put you in charge of several areas. My husband has delegated handling our finances to me, but from time to time, I will ask his advice about a financial decision that I make. If you want to be the neck that turns the head, you’ve got to let the head be the head.

Are you fucken kidding me?  Are you?  I have *never* in my life heard such utter bullshit.  Except for once, when I was watching a documentary.  ON AMISH PEOPLE.

Treat him like a man
Making your husband feel like a man goes hand in hand with submission. Be impressed with even his smallest accomplishments. Praise him in a sincere way for the good he does instead of nagging about his shortcomings. Talk him up in front of other people. Plant ideas in his head if you need to, but let him think your ideas are his own.

I’m sorry, are we talking about a child here?  A pet, maybe?  Men are stupid sometimes, agreed, but good lord – does any man honestly want to be treated this way?  Surely you look for some challenge, some personality?  I don’t know, maybe a bit of fucking back bone?

Don’t take him for granted!
I’ve talked to too many women who complain about petty things, while other wives are wondering if their husband will come home at night. Those of us who’ve been through tough times in the past, don’t worry if our husbands “work too much” or never use the dirty clothes hamper. We don’t mind if he never changes little Jr.’s diaper or takes the trash out.

Yeah, I’m guessing its because you have no mind of your own.  That’s absolute crap, if you can sperminate and reproduce a kid, you damn well better be changing its shitty nappy right along side me.  I’m just saying.

Don’t jump out of the frying pan and into the fire
I once counseled a woman who wanted to leave her husband because he was never home.  I told her she would miss him a lot more if they divorced, and that she needed to picture him coming over with his new girlfriend to pick up their son. She took my advice for awhile and stayed with him, but then her parents talked her into moving to another state for a trial separation. It was after she left him all alone, that he was seen at a party, flirting with another girl. All of the resulting drama could have been avoided if she had overlooked his undesirable work schedule and realized that he was a good provider. Perhaps he would have looked for a local position if she didn’t nag him when we was home, or maybe she could have taken up a hobby to keep herself busy while he was away. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot, ladies!

So, because she was sick of having to do all the shit alone in a marriage, and stood up for herself, it was her fault that he was found flirting with some flerrie at a party?  Why don’t you light up another sock there to smoke, dude.   “Perhaps he would have looked for a local position if she didn’t nag him when we was home, or maybe she could have taken up a hobby”?  Oh please. My man must even TRY pull that one with me.  He’d wake up with one less testicle and a rusty teaspoon lying next to him.

Pray that YOU will change
Of course you pray for your husband to change his ways when he’s not treating you right, but I think God likes it more when you pray that YOU will do better. During hard times, pray that you will be a better wife.

Holy Jesus knows right here, right now, that I am swearing out loud and he’s okay with it.  Because he called me and said to tell you he wants your brain back, it’s being recycled due to wastage.

When Momma ain’t happy…
When you were dating, it was your husband’s job to impress you with his charm and chivalry, but now, it’s your job to set the tone of the relationship. Make yourself and your house look good and be in a good mood when he walks in the door after work. Make sure you are taking care of yourself physically and spiritually. Happiness is a decision sometimes, and he wants to feel like he makes you happy.

Please fuck off and die in a fire.  “If he wants to feel he makes me happy then he should get off his fat ass and DO something about it”, said the entire NORMAL female population.

Make some of his priorities, yours
You can’t always be the perfect person, but ask yourself what is important to him. Every man has different priorities. Before my husband gets home, I try to have the bed made with the TV remote placed on top so he doesn’t have to search for it. I have the dishes done and the kitchen clean and swept, and I have a fresh towel within reach of the shower. Having dinner ready between 5 and 5:30 is also a biggie. I know that those are his minimum priorities, and if I get the rest of my chores done after that, great!

Look, I’m all down with doing the little things that make them happy, okay?  But after dinner should be ‘our’ chores.  And that tv remote thingie is lame, unless in return he thoughtfully places my tampons on the bathroom sink where they’re easily accessible.

 Forgive and forget
I’ve been married for almost 14 years. We’ve been through problems that I would never discuss in this blog, but my life is so much better since I have stopped dwelling on the negatives. My husband got saved about seven years into our marriage and our relationship keeps getting better. When we do have an argument, I try to only discuss the issue at hand, rather than bringing up the past. When we have a bad day, I remind myself of several things: We are still in love and have lots of fun together. He’s a great father to our kids. We’re both growing spiritually. He’s making good money. God has worked wonders in our marriage!

“He’s making good money” is all I read that was actually believable.  And maybe the good father bit.  What about “he’s a fireball in bed” or “oh my fuck, last night he wrote me a funny poem”?  That stuff would do it for me.

Dudes, seriously.  I’m no expert on relationshits, we know this, but the lady up above there is OFF TAP if she thinks that is the rational, logistical way of taking care of a man.  And if any men here agree with her, well I don’t ever want to meet you face to face, you freaks.

Stupid woman!  I actually think I need to go have a bubble bath and congratulate myself on deciding to never get married. I might even sms Dano and tell him what a fucktard he is.  Because I can.  The Amish-like woman can’t stop me.