How I am doing right now.

Enya is flowing through the speakers of my office sound system.

Leon has the coffee flowing.

My phone rings every 2.4 minutes.

Friends are showing me such love and support.

I know as much as they want to swear at him for me, they know that it is up to me to do it.

I hate that everyone is so preoccupied with me right now, but know that if the shoe was on the other foot I would be the same.

Cath sent me a funny email and I laughed til my eyes leaked. Thank you my love, for inadvertantly doing something stupid and telling me about it so I could laugh.

Amy is online and putting up with my useless drivel of pretend conversation, and knows that although I’m not very consistant with replies, she’s there to listen.

Facebook provides solace in the messages that are coming through.

My thoughts of him are coming and going every few seconds. Last night was the first time I dreamt of him. And he was smiling. His eyes looked so calm and peaceful. This is how I will remember him from now on in, even if I force it.

Last night being home alone was horrid. I had two panic attacks and sat outside looking at the stars while reading Spud in between. I need to learn to cope with being so sad again. In a way it comes naturally and I’m not sure what is worse, knowing what to expect next in my feelings or comparing them to the last time someone I loved died.

I am writing. All the time, writing. I can’t focus on much, but what is coming out onto my screen.

I’ve done more work on my book in the last 18 hours than I have in two months. I think he would have been so pleased for me. Hell, right now I am pleased for me.

So, basically, I’m hanging on by a thread. But threads can be pretty strong when you need them to be.

I was right when I sensed the change coming. I just wish I hadn’t been. But I won’t dwell on that.

Thank you for all your support, guys.