Hey, have I told you yet about my new pet?

Look:

The Feline - a nightmare.

The Feline - a nightmare.

Look, firstly, I should confess he’s from the reject pound, Animal Action.  Which is like adopting a kid from, oh I dunno, Boys Town School For Miscreants and Badly Behaved Juveniled Testosterone-prone males. But he wasn’t like that at first.  Oh no, he was all sweet and purry and cuddly like.  He slept on my pillow and tried to suck on my ear.  He meeuwed his way to get to my biltong, even.

Then yesterday he relaxed his fake sweetness and shat in the litter box.  Which stunk out THE ENTIRE HOUSE. And because he’s all little and vulnerable and there’s that other bullshit about getting lost, we’re not even supposed to open the house doors (to get fresh air in!) because he might get out!  Oh no – not me, I stuck the fucker in the bath and aired out the house after emptying a perfectly full aerosol can of freshner into the aircon fan.

OH MY FUCKING GRAPE JUICE! I have NEVER in my life smelt anything as revolting… until tonight. Do you know what this little shit did?  My god.  I can’t begin to tell you how repulsed I was:

He. Crapped. On. My. Bed*.

I swear to blog.  And then, he couldn’t even handle his own odour so what does he do?  He vomits.  From his own smell.  On my fucking bed!

I’d like to extend a big fuck you very much to each and every one of you that told me kittens were a sweet, cute & easy blessing. The fluff and the cute eyes and the paw-paw-pawing my shoelaces aren’t worth it. I want a refund.  Maybe the dude down the road will swap me for his fuck up dogs**.

* I should probably blame this on Piano, who was closed behind the door in the room that holds his litter box.  Shot, dipshit.  Now wash my linen.

** I’m kidding dudes.  Don’t call SPCA on me.

10 comments

  1. Jeanette says:

    Eeeeuuuww! Thanks for reminding me why I don’t have cats! The stray that we feed thankfully doesn’t come inside, and the few times it has come inside, it’s sprayed all over! Yuck!

  2. Megan says:

    BWAHAHAHAAA! i mean, that’s terrible. but i know. 2 days after we were given a persian kitten, poppet pee’d on the bed. while i was still in it. blargh.

  3. Po says:

    Wah I love cats but that reminds me of when they have diarrohea and puke and bring you presents of little birdies and chewed mousies, and it is not all fun and balls of wool.

  4. Craig says:

    LOL! You’re obviously not a cat person. I too adopted a kitten last year, a male too, but my little boy is well behaved. He craps in his litter box, cuddles and plays nicely. Very well behaved.

    Sorry to hear you have adopted a monster. What do they say about pets.. something about taking after their owner. 😛

  5. Guy McLaren says:

    If you called me simbatoffee, I’d also crap on your bed ;).

    Seriously house training and letting them shit outside is the only way to go. The rest is bullshit. Kitty litter trays are for those mad ladies with 50 cats whos flats you can smell from 10km’s upwind.

  6. AndRonin says:

    Hahahaha great post to end my day.
    All my friends know if my mischievous little bugger shows his tummy it means he wants to chew on the first fool to try and tickle it lawl.

  7. Medio Pomelo says:

    Beware, don’t be fooled by his innocent looks now! He knows exactly why you are shouting at him and he knew full well when he shat on your bed that you would get pissed off! Cats are intelligent things getting through life pretending they don’t understand a thing…

  8. angel says:

    aaaw… poor baby! is he okay? whats his name?
    furkids shouldn’t puke at all… and not using his litterbox is very strange, maybe a check up will sort him out?

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