Health, wealth and a lobster like tan – here’s an update on me!

So. It’s been a while. I know by now you all think I’m being all mysterious and quiet on purpose but actually, you’d be wrong.

There’s been so much going on, this real life stuff is pretty hectic, hey? Let me list for you what I’m talking about here:

  1. The Berg was amazing and exactly what I needed – a place in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the black swans and ducks to listen to me screaming inside my head. I did some writing that amazed even me. This blook* is coming on very nicely, let me tell you. I’ve done a few chapters that made me cry, laugh and cringe all at the same time. The girls were fabulous, and drove me nuts. I went hiking, watched a raptor falcon show and drove the four and a half hours home chatting to Andrew’s friend Jax on the phone, all the while sporting a very sexy lobster-like sunburn. Noice.
  2. I’ve acquired insomnia. It’s fucking annoying, yo. Thank god for DSTV though and Girls of the Playhouse Mansion. Kendra rocks my world with her stupidity. Her boobs are nice too. With this insomnia comes migraines that cannot be gotten rid of if I had to stand on my head and blow blue bubbles out of my bum. Just yesterday I vomited from them thrice. All over my shiny bathroom floor. Delightful, no? Solution? Go to doctor many times which costs more money than I care to spend, but proves worthwhile as he has a sexy Greek ass to perv at, and even held my hand while comforting me after he says it might be possible I have a brain tumor. Yup, that’s right. Says it could be from the day Andrew died and I went horse riding and fell off and got concussion and amnesia for those frightful ten minutes.  Lovely. Not only am I in love with a dead guy, but he causes me to get a maybe tumour. What an asshole. But hey, I’m strong like Russia, and a bull, and maybe even like the leaning tower of Piza, so lets not get too stressed just yet, okay? Fanks. I’m going for a cat scan tomorrow so for those of you who pray, do your holding hand, kneeling in front of the idol, squeezing your beads while saying 10 hail mary’s thang, and for the rest of us – lets cross all appendages please.
  3. Had dinner with my momma which was entertaining to say the least. She bored entertained the waiter (named “Tender Care” {TC for short}) for twenty minutes by telling how many ankle biters she’s pushed out of her vajayjay in the last 23 years. Then starts crying as I’m pointed to and tells poor Tender Care that I nearly doid when I was born with a hole in my heart, and now might have “a worm in my (her) head that could cause me to fall over stone dead”. Shot, Mom. Love you lots too. Then, to really put the cherry ontop of the cake, David the Car guard gets all her change plus a R50 note just because she’s known him since “ABSA days fifteen years ago, Sheena-Laura, he started out selling koeksisters, you know.” (My, how far he’s come, thinks I). Good news is that my dinner was a class act, and they even got the steak perfect, which is a feat for such a fussy eater like me.
  4. I’m leaving for Australia. Yup, the rumours are true. I am a soon to be expat for an indefinite period of time. I’m not too keen to come back to the country only to start all over again with nothing, so until something amazing comes my way – I’ll be a cork hat yielding immigration nightmare all the way over in the land of Oz. My time line looks to be departing in the beginning of March which suits me right down to the earthy ground as I plan to do sweet bugger all until then, except for maybe sucking the last bit of summer into my lily white legs. As Kimbo said, it seems like my lower half doesn’t belong to the rest of my body after last weeks impromptu tan. Woes me.
  5. I was asked out by a guy I’ve had my eye on for years. I said no. What is wrong with me?  Seriously, my Asexual joke was only said in jest, honest, but now it seems like I have no desire to be loved, or love anyone else. I don’t have enough room in my tiny conceited heart, I think.
  6. This is turning into a rant post, so I’ll stop here. It also smells like a rat died and went to heaven in this office. I’m going to do some catching up on all of you as soon as possible. I’m dying to hear the latest, so you better make it good!

In the words of fabulous Ms. Kabintsimbi,

Over and Out.

* Blog/book combo that I’m doing. If you don’t know what I’m on about you must live under a rock – must suck to be you.