Have I told you about my murder cat?

1The cats have taken over the home.  I knew it was coming, but felt helpless to stop it.  My clothes are covered in cat hair, no matter how many times Jon brushes them or Thembi vacuums or where I try hang the clothes up so they’re out of the way.

Every morning as I wake up and go to the kitchen to make coffee, Pixel follows me step for step and meows with every movement.  Once I’m back in bed, coffee in hand, he struts up and down in front of me presenting his butt, as if to say “Here it is, the butt you’ve been waiting for, kiss it human, I rule your world”:

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Until I begin what I call the ‘Worship Pixel Process’ which consists of this:3

And this:

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For at least five minutes I do this, him purring to his heart’s content and manouvering his body every which way to ensure I cover all of him.  Until I finally decide that my coffee has cooled enough to lukewarm and tepid temperatures that my lowly human self might be permitted to drink.  I nervously glance over to him, making sure I’m not attacked when I look the other way, and begin to sip my coffee, cautiously watching him over the mug.

All the while having this face stare at me with utter disdain and petulance, for every sip I dare take:

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Here’s a fun new addition to the list; last night as I drifted to sleep Pixel gave me the fright of my bloody life as he jumped up from nowhere and decided to curl up ON TOP OF MY HEAD.  When I moaned and pushed him enough he settled to share my pillow.  SHARE MY PILLOW, PEOPLE.  How generous is the mighty Lord Pixel? So generous.  He then proceeded to purr into my ear and meow very loudly if I dared to even try and push him away.

The only time he isn’t interested in me is when he’s out hunting for live things to make dead.  He watches the birds in our garden with an intelligence and calculation I have never seen before.  And then he’ll leave the corpses on my side of the room.  I read The Oatmeal this morning about murder cats, who only actually show their humans a third of their kills, and eat or hide the rest.  WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

So now I’m obviously convinced that I have an insanely smart, but terrifying murder cat stalker.  One who simultaneously loves me but is compelled to pee on my shoes.

I have no idea what’s going on with him, he will. not. leave. me. alone. He’s been like this for days.

At least Pixel’s brother Elvis totally ignores my very existence.  He could not give two shits about whether I live or die.  In fact, if I were on fire and Elvis the cat had opposable thumbs and could offer me water to put out the fire, he’d rather drink it.

Even Jon is scared of our cats.  I shared The Oatmeal’s link with him on Twitter, and this is what he had to say:
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4 comments

  1. Mia says:

    My Sweeney cat refuses to sleep anywhere but on the right half of my pillow. Not the left side, the right. And he kicks my husband in the head if he comes to close. “Worship me, the cat. I rule here.”

  2. MeganTS says:

    If cats evolve opposable thumbs, they won’t need us anymore. then we’re all screwed. i have not one shadow of a doubt that Penny and Bazinga would merrily enslave me (further) if cats took over the world. I have more to say on that, but Bazinga is staring at me and i have to make her breakfast now.

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