FUCK YOU, LIFE.

Staying up late is not all its cracked up to be. Is it even cracked up tho? To be anything? I dunno. Right now it just sucks though. I’ve had too much coke, the caffeine is disolving my spleen as I type, I can feel it.

I can’t think straight and I can’t sleep. No one is even online so I’m feeling pretty alone in this world right now. Except for the fact that my little sister is quietly breathing on the bed next to me, so I don’t know how accurate this feeling alone crap really is…

The lisp. It threw me for a six, right out the park. I can’t stop thinking about it. What would she be like? Sassy like me? Loud spoken like Mom? Would she not eat all the good things in life, like I don’t, such as mushrooms and sea food and sushi and macadamian nuts? I can tell you one thing for sure, she would be everything her father was not. But as much as I dislike him, he did give me one hell of a beautiful daughter.

I miss her.
I miss having her sucking her nasal cannulae, which caused her lips to go blue with the lack of oxygen.
I miss breastfeeding.
I miss waking up at 3am looking down on her smiling up at me with her half assed lazy mowgli grin.
I miss her sitting in her pram randomly shouting out incomprehensible words in her own little baby language.
I miss… being a Mom.

I get so widly angry at mothers who don’t know what they have. I knew what I had, I loved every minute of every day with her. I loved being pregnant, even at 18 and unmarried and single and being spoken about. I loved the heart burn. Well, ok, I didn’t but I would take it back in a heart beat if I could.

I loved her. And I was so good to her.

I was a good Mommy. And she would have been the best dressed kid on the block. She wanted for nothing. Why did she have to die? Just when I thought we were going to be okay. Just when I got into the swing of things. Just when I started feeling like this was what I was born to do, give birth to this absolute miracle child whom no doctor had faith in.

I had faith. We did, Mom and I.

Life is so unfair. Right now I hate it. It can bite me in the ass and lick my big and hairy (proverbial) balls.

FUCK YOU, LIFE. YOU ASSHOLE.

I’m overtired. And I miss my baby girl so much.