Finding Emo

I’m going through a transition period at the moment. I’m 32 and I can feel that I’ve changed as a person. I’m not who I was 5 years ago, or 2 years ago or even 1 year ago – and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m oscillating between feeling wiser and know-betterer and being an emotional wreck. It could be hormones, it could be Yasmin, it could just be me becoming my mother. It could even be the Meta I’ve been doing recently. I don’t know – shit’s very confusing.

I had a major fall out with a friend about a week ago. It happened so unexpectedly and emotions flared so quickly I felt that I’d been thrown off a bus. I’m still reeling about it, I can’t believe that two adult women could get so quickly offended by each other. It was a newish friendship, but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less. I’ve read and reread the messages between us all week, and I still end up shaking my head in confusion. I felt so righteous at the time, and I’m still mad that perceptions were made – but then when I made Jon read the conversation to get some validation he shrugged his shoulders and felt that it wasn’t as serious as I’d thought. He also mentioned that I could have been gentler in my wording and less direct.

When I didn’t get the reaction I’d hoped for from my husband, I showed a friend and she made similar comments but said that I was totally right to feel the way I was feeling and that I am known to be a very direct person (halleluuuuryaaaar for girl friends who offer much needed validation). “You speak your mind and are brutally honest. It’s both a blessing and a curse” were her exact words, in fact. She then went on to say that if a friend didn’t know that about me by now, were they really meant to be in my life after all? I just don’t know. The last thing that was said in the fight was something along the lines of “we are two very different people, both strong minded. Maybe we’re too different for each other”. Surely in this day and age diversity is a good thing? Or maybe I need to just learn to shut my mouth and not say every little thing that pops into my head – even when my intentions are good.

Or, actually, as adults we should be able to have a barney and get over it and move along. My bestie Tam and I had a good skop earlier this year ago but we got past it. We were both able to say what was on our mind and in our hearts and although there were days where we were both pissed, we loved each other enough to get over it. I’m not even sure what I’m trying to say here actually. Maybe just that making friends with women as an adult is certainly not easy. And decidedly harder than making friends as a kid. Apparently, in my world, keeping friendships is even harder. I know that I could certainly up my game as a friend – I need to work on that and I’m aware of it now.

On the same day as the friend fight, my mom flew in and visited for a few days. The timing was perfect as I really needed her there and then. We had a few days of really good quality time together. We bunked Aiden from school and decided to redo Kiera’s garden instead. Tomorrow is Kiera’s birthday – she would have been 13 years old, a teenager. Jon and I have started to talk about her more and more often and yesterday I discovered that Jon has always felt that I’ve shut him out about Kiera and been reserved about it. My mom has said similar things over the years. I guess it was just my way of protecting myself. Things are changing though, with Aiden bringing out motherly instincts and loads of memories I’ve slowly started opening up about things and feelings and fears. It’s clearly making a difference because yesterday for the very first time, Jon came home and brought Kiera up on his own and wanted to talk about her and it, the death part of it all, the fact that it’s her birthday coming up and how was I feeling about it. Out of his boot he then produced a very perfect piece of garden pottery and arrangement to finish off Kiera’s garden. As soon as he placed it in the spot that I’d not quite figured out how to finish, I knew the garden was complete. Now it’s just got to fill up a bit but Spring should take care of that.

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On Wednesday last week I flew back down with my mom to meet my baby niece Kiara, I was so emotional the entire time. The floodgates have opened my cold, blackened heart and now I just cry at the drop of a hat. But this little girl is so sweet, she’s filled a gap in my brother’s life and I somehow think he’s always meant to be a dad to this girl. And now I’m weepy again.

Sigh. 32 guys. My birthday has come and gone and I didn’t even blog a wishlist haha! How things have changed 🙂 We celebrated it exactly the way I wanted to. I was brought tea in bed and a pile of presents. Then Jon and I dropped little man off and went to movies, lunch and then Milky Lane. In the afternoon we napped and had cake for dinner. Perfect!

I don’t mind so much that my feelings have come back. I just wish I’d invested in waterproof mascara!

 

13 comments

  1. Angel says:

    Waterproof mascara FTW!
    I have found that feelings so long buried and unspoken are very VERY hard to rehash…
    When my knucklehead was about 10 years old, I suddenly found myself working with 3 people with the same name as his father – and I found I literally couldn’t say the name out loud! It was quite ridiculous! :/

    • Shebee says:

      Gosh, but I can understand why. It must’ve made for some awkward office moments though, hey? “Um, hey, you! Did you get the office memo from last week from, er, So-and-so?” 😉
      Shebee recently posted…Finding EmoMy Profile

  2. catjuggles says:

    Ai we tend to feel emotions more at times, and maybe it’s just that? And I agree – adult friendships are not easy but when ever was friendships with other women easy? Even as little girls we had out complications. I tend to avoid confrontations – purely because I have no energy for it. I tend to just avoid the person –

  3. Amy Brown says:

    Hello! I have the same blessing and curse. And I have the same kind of husband who will say I could’ve said whatever in a nicer way. And I have a bestie who gets that that’s who I am and we’re all adults and if they don’t know who you are by now, and like you for you are, then maybe they’re only in your life for a reason, rather than a season or a lifetime. There’s also a saying that says “It’s taken me XYZ years for me to like myself, I don’t have that kind of time to convince you to like me as well.” Which is so true. I think it is harder to make, and keep, friends as we get older, but I think it’s a good way of sifting through those who are worth keeping 🙂 For those of us who are honest and say what we feel, please don’t shut up! We’re told too often to be quiet, or not speak what’s on our minds 🙂

    xxxx

    • Shebee says:

      Oh wow, what a cool comment – thank you so much. Bloody husbands, right? I love that saying, I’ve never heard it before but it’s so true – I really don’t have the energy to spend as much time trying to convince anyone who I am is someone worthy. Thanks for reading 🙂

  4. Laura says:

    I could write a book on friendships and how I suck at them.
    I have one best friend – I will do anything to maintain the friendship because honestly I just don’t think I could do it again.
    People don’t always get me which can result in them really thinking I let Emma eat the food under the couch
    I also just don’t have time Sheena, this not a high school popularity concert any more.

    Adulting is hard pretty much all of the time but your garden is lovely

  5. MeeA says:

    Whenever I feel as though a friendship is taking strain, I ask myself two things:
    1) What could I be doing differently to make it easier for us to get past this?
    2) Do what degree does this mean that I will have to change who I essentially am/compromise on my own integrity, in order to retain the friendship?
    Those friendships that have mattered over the years have either forced me, in terms of these two questions, to review some deep character flaws within myself or to walk away feeling lighter and free-er for having shed unnecessary baggage.

    In my experience, such as it is, confronting emotional stuff that has long lain dormant will generally set off a period of “blowing off charge”, which means emotions flying all over the place. It’s not a bad thing. Just be careful not to get so busy looking inward that your present-time life suffers! x

    Your garden for Kiera looks absolutely stunning and I’m so happy for you and Jon that you’re getting to being able to share this particular aspect of you and your story.
    MeeA recently posted…Beauty Blogger Argan Oil DrawMy Profile

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  7. Debbie says:

    What i got from this beautiful post, is that perhaps that friend just isnt the right fit for you (and that is totally ok!). But your husband, he IS TOTALLY the right fit, he gets you in a way that only a special person would. Losing friends can sometimes feel like a knock to our confidence but I feel sometimes that the older we get, the less time we have so try to fill the spare time you do have with people you love.

  8. Azima Mohamed says:

    Your blog is just the bees knees!
    I cried all the way through this post, and the next few (I read it backwards).

    It feels like what I would day and share if I had a blog, kind of like the voice in my head at 3 am when I get all the blog ideas that never get penned.

    You’re an incredibly strong and brave woman.

    I’d really like to read your whole blog. Yes, the whole thing, from post 1. Do you perhaps have a link to where it all began?

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