Crying for dummies: I don’t know the answer.

Things are pretty much up shit creek and I am without a paddle.  I know that you’ll probably be thinking what the fuck? She’s been bleating on and on about how great her life is! And yeah, I have been.  And it has been.  Except lately, my view of it has been tainted.  It’s not that I am ungrateful for the things I’ve been given, or the opportunities I’ve taken or the people I’m allowed to love, but it’s about the fact that everytime I’ve found myself happy in general, the universe decides to throw me a fucked up situation just to remind me that I’m alive, that I’m being challenged, that I’m (and I hate to say this) too happy.

I get it, Universe.  Nothing should be easy for me.  Fine.  But honestly? Fuck you. In your eye the most.

I’m without a job.  Again.  And this time, I didn’t just wake up at the last minute, I’ve been applying for positions for the last two months.  I’ve been sending my CV out to every relevant company, agency & contact I have in the industry.  The outcome is unknown.  The cause and effects of me not having anything to come back to after the holiday season is frightning.

My personal life.  God, what a mess.  From being on top of the world, I feel like the ball has rolled and landed up on top of me.

I need to cry.  I need to be a girl and sob like a baby, but the thing is – I’ve taught myself so well to not cry, I don’t even know how anymore.  I even practiced in the mirror last night.  Stood there like a loon and pulled the ugly cry face.  Had slit-wrist music blaring and thought about AIDS-infected children in Somalia and dead puppies.  Imagined myself with no legs.  Pretended I was homeless and living in a cardboard box.  Pulled some more ugly faces.  Pinched myself a few times.  Made the crying sounds.  Nothing.  Nothing works.  I don’t know how to cry.

Of all the things I’ve failed at recently, I’ve failed myself at the ability to snot and tear up.  It’s a sad day when a girl can’t wee through her eyes, people.

Fuck.

14 comments

  1. cath says:

    You and me – same person again.

    Its always the outside looking in. The outside looking in and we look amazing.

    But the inside looking out, not so much.

    I’d kill for a cry. A good, ugly cry. The type that lets go. I need to let go. For the sake of a number of people. X

  2. Nicole says:

    Hey, I can relate. I lost my dream job 4 months ago when the recession hit the magazine I was working on. This was followed by months of self doubt / self loathing because obviously it was my fault in some way. I cried exactly once – screamed, stamped my feet and broke things, because my anger is constructive like that 🙂
    I can pull out sad kitten pictures if that will help you cry.

  3. CC says:

    Awww man :/ I think you can’t cry because you’ve been through worse and you’re a strong person, and going through really bad things puts things like this in perspective, I’m sure you’ll land on your feet. but yeah it really sucks! sorry dude.

    I’m awesome at crying, you should have seen me yesterday, dont worry Sheena I think I cried enough for the both of us 🙂

    At least you have a boyfriend, lol seriously I think having a good guy makes almost everything bearable.

    Maybe you can grow nerdmag into something big and live off the advertising revenue….

    Or sell stuff on e-bay….I always wondered about doing that…

  4. Bergen Larsen says:

    You know. I use to use dead puppies as a thing to stop me laughing. It always ended up making me laugh more. So I wouldn’t think about them…

    But I’m twisted like that. 😛

    Try poking yourself in the eye. Or cutting up onions. I find that always helps me.

  5. Laura says:

    Thats why are you arent crying – you are thinking about stuff that is sad but its not yours!

    Think about your pain, your sadness, your vulnerability, your fears and you will cry! Allow yourself that!

    “Everybody cries Ophelia” – its a good song 🙂

    Chin up chick! Its us strong ones who keep getting tested so we are ready when huge greatness finds us and it does – it will!

  6. Tara says:

    Muchos love honey.

    Now if you’re interested…I was thinking of becoming a pimp and I do live in Cape Town’s h0 central. I won’t bitchslap you and I’ll only take 90% of your earnings 😉

  7. Cassey says:

    Sorry to hear bout the job. For the crying i find watching or reading something really sad helps to start the cathartic cry. Putting out good vibes for you

  8. Amy says:

    If i could send you some of my pregnancy hormones i would honey – they’d make you cry for sure! I mean, you’ve lost a job and cant squeeze out a tear – i burst into a flood because there is a spot of paint on the carpet that i cant get up!

    But seriously, after all the other shite you’ve had to plow through in your life thus far, maybe crying just isnt for you in more. You’re too strong for that, so chin up chica….

  9. Louisa says:

    Sucks when you want to cry and you can’t (also sucks when you don’t want to and you can’t stop – like me yesterday with the blues).

    Hope you get those taps open soon Sheena…

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