Crouching Pretzel, hidden Ostrich

My left leg was attempting to stretch itself over my right shoulder, my neck bent at an awkward angle and my right hand was numb with pins and needles just starting to set in. Over the speakers I could hear the Ohmming of Budapest monks mixed in with the real breaking wave sounds of the ocean right in front of me, on the shore where my rubber mat was parked on wet grass, suffocating under the weight of my floating pretzel, crouching ostrich positioned body.

I’m speaking of, naturally, my yoga class which began for the first time earlier this evening. I arrived twenty minutes late which is completely not surprising and very much expected when you’re me. It’s physically impossible for me to be on time for anything I want to be on time for. There were so many yoga class attendees, that the Yoga teacher didn’t even notice. I’m going to break off right there to ask something. What are we meant to call these people? J. No suggested that we call them Yogatarians, the attendees. Would that make the Ring Leader Head Yogi? I think that’s what it will be from here on in.

Anyway, so despite having to ‘open my palms to the universe’ or ‘draw the energy in’ and then ‘imagine my body mass moulding into the mat’, or ‘thanking the birds, trees and ocean for being one with me’ it wasn’t half bad, okay. The bit at the end when I had to do half a mini somersault and then freeze while praying to something or other made me feel very zen-like. Especially the ‘Namaste’ chanting. But listen, I was lucky enough to have a nice venue, you know? Like on the beach in the open air and stuff. What do Jo’burg people pray to when they do yoga? The smog, concrete and traffic sounds? Not kiff, bru. I’m glad I’m a Durbanite Yogatarian. Even if I look ridiculous in what I have dubbed “the Crouching Pretzel, hidden Ostrich Position”.

So, that’s that. I’m taking the piss, but I’m sold. I’ll definitely go back next week. Right now I feel like going to kiss my pot plants good night before I burn some incense.


  1. Amy says:

    Yay! I was thinking you’d definately think yoga was way too hippy-dippy for you and completely run it down here on your blog. Stupid me.

    And i think we’re all yogis – anyone who practices yoga that is. I suppose there are various stages of yogi, but if you prefer to go with yogatarain, i’m up for that.

    Oh, and ” umshanti ” and ” Namaste “….

  2. SwissTwist says:

    hehehe… you must admit, the first few lines of this post does not make one think of yoga! hehehehe!
    You’re lucky to have found such a great venue, I’m jealous!!! (Even if I do get to look at the snowy Alps!)
    I’m sure you’ll soon see the benefits of regular classes soon, especially when it comes to things intimate! Hope you’re not too stiff today!

  3. Stef says:

    that is kind of cool! doing yoga on the beach… lekker man! when we were on holiday in march down there i saw guys doing karate one morning on the beach, there is just something about the beach and then seeing something like that… discipline and nature, quite cool.

    i have never done yoga, do they give out free weed at the end of the class?


  4. shebee says:

    Aims I have to admit it is a lot hippier than I expected, afterall I’m only really there for the health benefits and excersize, but I left feeling properly zenned out and very peaceful.
    I also slept like a baby last night, so clearly my Aura and Chakras agree that this is a good thing 🙂

    Swiss Am glad you picked up on that. It was definitely on purpose. My muscles feel like they’ve sprouted thier own muscles, especially in my back – but I feel great!

    Stef sure, and cookies laced with crack, its AWESOME!
    The beach kinda makes me feel at peace anyway, you all know how I’m a beach thinker, so it makes sense that I do this there. Its wonderful, I can’t wait til next Thursday!

  5. Made In SA says:

    Hey Shebee,
    Found your most awesome blog after your delightful chirp at me on REDHERRINGS blog, after i left the caps lock on…… remember?
    I though i was funny ( note to self keep the humble pie stored) but your blog makes for a brilliant read and a healthy dose of medicinal laughter! Well done! I want a blog just like yours when i grow up!(from all accounts i seem to have missed the grow up part, im going on 38! eish!) :mrgreen:

  6. shebee says:

    6k – I miss your blog dammit!! COme back!

    MISA – Hello darling 🙂 Thanks so much for your compliment, it makes all these embarrassing moments of mine worth it.

    Glad you have a good sense of humour and didn’t take me too seriously on Reds blog! Hope to see you soon.


  7. Made In SA says:

    Life is life! its all about the fun factor! if its no fun its not worth doing…. whether it be good or bad you have to have fun doing it! and bugger what the rest of the world thinks! keep the embarassing moments comming!

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