Comfortably Numb.

It was when I was standing in the aisle of the Spar this morning, staring at the rows and choices of diapers, that it struck me.  I’m not who I was five years ago.

 

Five years ago, I’d been a NotMom for a year already.  I was still lost.  I was still angry at God, at other moms, at men, at shopping centres for having those huge aisles dedicated to baby goods that I couldn’t force myself to walk through. 

 

Five years ago, I was still dreaming that my daughter was still alive and that someone, somewhere, was playing a very sick fucking joke on me.  She was still in hospital some nights.  At other times she’d been abducted by her day nurse.  In most of those dreams I was always frantic, in every single one of those dreams, I’d wake up screaming.

 

Five years ago, I was in a very serious relationship with a boy that I lived with.  He was talking marriage, I was talking getting through each day without wanting to drive myself off a bridge.  We were an awesome combination.  Not.

 

And now?

 

Now I’m the girl who couldn’t be bothered.  With anything, really.

Now I’m the girl that declines social activities because I’m fully booked.  But, the difference is, even though I’ve gone the polar opposite end of being a recluse, I find that I can still be in a room full of people, yet feel more lonely than ever.

 

It’s not that I’m having a bad day.  It’s not even that I’m having a bad month.  I’m having a bad fucking life, and it needs to change.  I’ve been living here in Phlegmteng for nearly two months now, and I haven’t achieved anything that I wanted to personally. 

 

So this blog post is all about kicking my own ass.  Because although five years down the line I can actually walk down the baby aisles, it doesn’t make me feel any better because I know its only that I’ve taught myself to be numb.  So very, very comfortably numb.

 

Every aspect of ME is lying in a puddle of “Meh!”.  But to fix this, where in the hell am I meant to start?

12 comments

  1. Jessica says:

    We all have these moments hun! 5 years ago I thought I’d be much further than I am now (more successful, earning more, etc etc).
    I suppose I’ve learned that 5 year goals are great, but don’t beat yourself up if you haven’t got there yet…

  2. Shebee says:

    Thanks Jessica 🙂 I think it’s time I start kicking myself though, one can only let life hold you down for so long. I need a few changes in mine.

  3. angel says:

    Yank yourself up by your g-string and let your wedgy wake you up!
    Darling Shebeeliciousness, you so do not come across this way… I have personally discussed plans for future business prospects with you that are no “meh!” at all.
    I look forward to a future that includes you intimately!

  4. Peta says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. Keep wondering why I come back. I mean you’re interesting and funny, but i’ve read other blogs that are interesting and funny and I don’t go back to them on a regular basis. Now I know why. You remind me of myself. This all speaks of deep unresolved trauma.
    So shebee, you can keep walking around comfortably numb, pretending that nothing matters and that everything is all ok or as you say give yourself a kick up the pants! Good for you!
    Where do you start? I can help with that if you’re interested. Have recovered my share of trauma in my life. It’s not for the fainthearted though – somehow I think you would never be in the fainthearted category though!

  5. Po says:

    Shebee I am feeling a similar thing. How to get kickstarted?

    But in your case, you have been through many traumatic events, including your brother getting shot. I don’t know about you, but something I have found is since the death of my brother and other truamatic things, I have been living in survival mode, which is similar to numbness, because I don’t engage fully with life, in case it lashes out at me. I have closed myself down emotionally so that things don’t hurt me so much, but it does feel like a pretty crappy way to live.

    Could it be that you are operating in survival mode and protecting yourself?

  6. Jeanette says:

    (((HUGS))) I love Angel’s response! LOL!
    my first response is that you need something to obsess over, and give you voomah again. but then I can’t really think of what… sorry I’m no help actually!

  7. Amy says:

    I cant tell you where to start except to turn inwards Sheebs.

    What i can tell is that things can get better , and mya even do so out of the blue. You remember a few years ago, when i first started my blog ? How bleak some of my posts were and how much i felt like i was drowning ?

    Look at me now! Right now, things are continually amazing me…. and i never imagined it could be this way.

    Chin up chicky!

  8. sass says:

    ok, we most definitely have to get together asap. it might take a week or so till i’m out of this show, but then let’s do it. i think we have lots to talk about.
    xxx
    sass

  9. Wogan says:

    Oh, I know this feeling well – it’s where I am right now. Granted, I haven’t had a family member shot at, and I certainly have no interest in baby products, but I’m also in a numb spot. Having overcome another batch of adversity, I’m stuck, haunted by the notion that I could be doing something far grander – and constantly itching to get started.

    This isn’t my first time, though, and I’ve learned this much: We need these phases. These spots of dont-give-a-fuck-though-i-want-to.

    Life is a classroom. And we’re in recess.

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