I am PMSing most dangerously, look the other way!

I know that I bitch every month around this time, but Jesus!  I am a raging, hormonal bitch lately.   If a sentence like this offends you, I encourage you to read this.  I think poor old Richard needs a stand up ovation for avoiding me at every corner of his house and peacefully minding his own business while I sit glaring at my computer screen.  He’s been subjected to the following:

• His favourite bowl being smashed.  Not on purpose, promise
• Being moaned at while he channel hops while I’m trying to watch TV, even if only during commercial breaks
• Silent sulks from me, not knowing what is going on with me or why I was happy only two mins previously

An aside – how funny is this picture?  I love it.  Am going to print out a thousand copies and pluck it everywhere I go from now on.

Also, I think I have decided to stay in Cape Town indefinitely.  Anyone want to hire me?  I do good blow jobs customer relations, admin, write ups, managing, coffee making & just about anything else you need to be done.  

Fuck it, I’m traumatised.

Jesus.  I hate being a female sometimes.

Today I decided that I have looked like a monkey for long enough, and went to go and replenish my stock of veet.  While in the fem products isle, I grabbed a box of tampax.  You know, just so that I have it handy. 

Just as I turn around, I walk slap bang into a dutchman closely resembling an equal mix of the powerhouse gym freak dog and Vin Diesel, and as luck would naturally have it with all things Sheenafied, the box of tampax flies right into his shopping basket.  Excuse me while I just popmyhandintoyourbasketandgrabmywomanplugs thankyouverymuch, thinks I.  "No wurrrrries chick, I see vose fings all the time wiff ma sister haha" says he.  I turn around and scurry to the till, muttering under my breath, talking myself out of a red flush all over my cheeks "Self," says I, "stop the fucking train, its natural to buy these things, goddamit, don’t blush!"

The Spar manager spots me and comes over to greet his customary greetings and unfortunately says hello right to my tampax box.  His face goes blood red.  ‘Ag shame, I think the manager is embarrassed’ the stupid cashier says to me.  Yeah, no shit, Sherlock bloody Holmes!

In my hurry to get the hell out of there, I drop my car keys and they slide right under the counter.  As I bend down, my skirt gets hooked on a randomly placed screw and tears just as I bump my head on the stupid credit card signing place block type thing that they always have slap bang in the way of where you are trying to pay.

I grabbed my packet of female goodness, slung it over my wrist, one hand bunching up my now torn skirt, the other clutching onto my car keys while rubbing my head, and the entire walk across the parking lot I felt eyes burning into the back of my skull.

Life is so unfair.  Why can’t normal things happen to me? 

I’m never going shopping for woman things again.  Serious.  I will hire someone to go in for me and I will stay safely in the car.  I’m serious. But the good news is, my legs aren’t hairy and monkey like anymore.  Smiley face.

Famdamily

So, its three more sleeps until my family leaves. I have really had such a good time having them stay with me. I thought it was going to be crowded, but I’ve loved every minute of it and to be honest, am dreading being alone again. I’m going to have to relearn how to live by myself.

On Saturday, Australia will become an even better place as my family arrives closer to my two best friends in the computer, Amy & Rob. They’ll be in Perth, guys, so promise me that if either of you two go near there, you’ll go say hi, okay?

I’ve learnt things about me, while having my dad around daily for the first time since I was a little itty bitty ankle biter. Its brought us so much closer, and I’m really glad.

Highlights of having my family with me the last two months:

1. Tuesdays will never be the same. They are now known as Fucky-wucky nights, and Ash and I find every excuse to get out of the house that night. Two guesses why.
2. Dad and Darryn stealing a pubs two rugby mascots in their inhebriated state. Dad felt guilty the next day so gave them a make over, spruced them up and delivered it in a box back to the pub with an anonomous apology riddle. The next time we went back there, the mascots were placed so high up, a giant would struggle to reach it.
3. My father finally got the chance to meet all my good friends. One of them, F, collapsed laughing when Dad stood on the table to be the same height as he greeted him.
4. Trace and I have become even closer than we were before and I truly do think of her as my udder-mudder.
5. I am going to need a holiday once they are gone, just to get myself back into the motion of going to bed early and staying at home during the week.
6. Late at night, when I should have been sleeping like a normal person, Ash and I stay up giggling like bloody idiots, adding to the list of our clutchplate dictionary. Here, have some examples:

• Hoeknaal: toenails.
• Vat are very cool – no explanation necessary, I’m sure.
• you is a anoos
• How lamm is that (lame)?
• more to be added later, I have to finish this post immediately and check emails.