Still thinking of you Drew.  Not daily anymore, but probably once or twice a month.  Hah, you’d roll in your grave. Asshole.

/nostalgic surreality/

Waste is having a phone with ipod capabilities without the earphones
Waste is watching tv without sound
Waste is having a balcony with no view
Waste is meeting the perfect man but finding out he’s gay

Waste is accepting pregnancy and then suffering a miscarriage
Waste is having survived cancer only to die from suicide
Waste is coming home to a robbed house a week after you cancel insurance
Waste is looking gorgeous for hours and then only being seen after you’ve changed into your house clothes

Waste is not being with the one you love.

Waste. It’s the essence of life, but life wouldn’t be worth it without the lessons you get out of Waste.

My thought for the day. Use it, don’t use it…

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Years on, the beach is my solace. Isn’t that funny, since I don’t ever swim in the ocean? The last time I went to the beach was when I found out Andrew had died. I had gone down in the rain, and walked along the shoreline completely alone with the sand and sea, and cried until my throat hurt. I’ve been meaning to go down ever since, but just haven’t been able to. It sounds silly, but I was too terrified of going back to that isolated and desperately sad feeling again if I went.

On the way home today, I decided that I had avoided Summer all…well, Summer. The weather was perfect, the drive from work was loud (I had on my new Now48) and the ocean was calling. I arrived in the parking lot, and had to circle it three times before I made up my mind to get out the car.

With my shoes chucked off, I eventually got out and climbed down the stairs onto the sand. My hair was loose, my work skirt hiked up into my underwear and I was free, in every sense of the word. I must have just sat there for ages. Something about the sound of the ocean brings out feeling in me. Not necessarily bad feeling, like I mentioned before, but a feeling of inner being. I felt alive.

For the first time in ages, I let myself go into myself. Thats a pretty scary feat since I usually get lost when I allow it to happen. The emotions locked away so deep inside of my heart are usually under a guarded safe, with lock and key and a big buff oke named Morty. Morty is my inner body guard, and he guards well.

If I had to choose one song to represent my life over the last few months it would be Apologise, by Timbaland. The words give me goosebumps and one particular paragraph reminds me so much of him and the feelings we shared. You will see on your right that I now have a scrolling gadget of the words to Apologise. This blog was started for myself, and although I’ve gathered readers along the way, ultimately the blog is a part of me, for me. Andrew is now a part of me, in my heart, and I think the best way to add him to my blog instead of my archives would be to have the song that represents everything, displayed on every page of this site.

I think I am finally able to reach the stage where I can look back and have nostalgic smiles and memories without having to retreat into my cave mode. Going back in my history of dealing with death, I’ve beat my own record on how long it took me to get here.

I haven’t forgotten what we had, I haven’t lost the memories, I haven’t deleted the feeling. I’ve purposely misplaced it on the Morty shelf of ‘what would have been so very lovely to have, and how sad I wont’. It has been added to Morty’s safe keeping.

*A very deep, meaningful Thank you to you, my friend who knows who you are, for sharing that time on the beach with me today in spirit.

• Here is an interesting one about a guy who got pissed at his two mates so stabbed a chick, went home & knifed his mom, then spiked his dad while sleeping in his bed, stole his moms car and drove to a little clutchplate town called Orkney.  As Karma would have it, he crashed the car which then forced him to leg it a while til he got to a rail way track, where he was then squished to death by a train.  Bugger!
• Another one to read is about a 23 year old undead man. Apparently.  Pay R5 to see the boy who lived (again)!
• Wanna steal our almost gold-like status electricity?  Be careful, you might just get the befuckery beaten out of you and walk around with a frikken snake tied around your neck!

Life in South Africa.  Never a dull moment.  Hey, I got through this entire post without having the electricity trip, once!

Secondly, My family have gone. Sad face. I am tired from crying. I came home to find a letter Ash left me, and just sobbed. I keep saying this, but I am *so* grateful I had this time with them. My goal has been set, I want to go to Oz by March next year, just for a holiday, but also to check it out and see if its worth moving there or not.

Thirdly, I have had a busy day and spring cleaned my flat. The things I found! Unbelievable! Here have a list:

• Condom. To be used by Feb 2008. That gives me four months people. I need to find that shag I keep waffling about to my mates. The problem is I have too many needs for one person to satisfy, and I’m not prepared to sleep with a random. I am so over that. Not that I have ever had sex with anyone I didn’t love. Ahem.
• Seventeen little fluffy toys for SusieQ and Milo, although Milo only has one tooth, but what the hell – he can ‘gum’ them to death as apposed to Suse’s biting them and ripping every last shred of fluff, like she has done with all the others.
• Four books I have never read. Bonus.
• Three pairs of jeans with price tags still on them. Double bonus. (Except I was reminded of how bad my shopping fetish once was).
• A candy striped bag. What was I thinking?
• Photo’s and more photo’s. (one was of a willy. don’t ask).
• A packet of dog bones with green stuff on it, I am presuming mould.
• This cord (now) sticking out of my laptop to connect to the net. Triple bonus.
• Five lighters. I hid them to not lose them, then forgot where I had done the hiding.
• An entire make up bag, complete with Clinique face wash.

Hope your weekend was peaceful. If not, I hope it was raucious and madly wild.