I knew I’d screw this up, I just wish I knew how I did it this time

It all began at 4pm on Friday, when I got the sms that said “I’m sorry, running really late,  won’t be able to see you tonight unless you want to go to a 21st  with me?”

My thoughts:

1.    I drove all the way over here, took the fucking afternoon off to be here early, so I could see you because you whined so much.
2.    Now that I am here, you not only cancel our evening, but change the plans to suit you and your (stupid) friends 21st.
3.    Who forgets their “friends” 21st anyway?
4.    Thanks, but I’ll stick with the plan, and meet my friends out.

Merrily, I hop over to 3rd to meet the girls and guys and have a fine time.  Catch up’s are made, tables are danced upon, snogging occurs before me and liquor is consumed.  While catching up with my old friend Harry, I am asked what method I used in my current make over and “gorgeous” appearance and I’m feeling GRAND.

Somewhere down the line, I am laughing along with the rest of the shooter drinkers, and I get a call.  By god, I cannot remember what was said, but I vaguely recall whining and tears not belonging to me.

I land up at home somewhere just before dawn, receive a few text messages and reply (who knows how) with what I deem to be witty and remarkable come backs.  Turns out, in sober hindsight, they weren’t that awesome.

I woke up this morning not only sms-less, but severely hung over, arab-sandal-mouthed and I suspect single, to boot.

I have no clue why, how or when.  Other than that phone call, of which I cannot recall the details.

So I’m guessing the parents will not be introduced, I will not get lucky, he won’t take my calls and the worst is that I have dyed red hair, short orange finger nails and silky smooth and shaven legs.  But I am single, evidently.

The weather is crap, I have eaten an entire box of coco pops with and without milk, placed an order with my mom for coke and chocolate plus a new liver and may die in this bed from Alcohol Plague.

Fuckfuckfuckityfuck.

I actually don’t know where to start

…so I’ll just go right ahead and tell you my news that has been keeping you all guessing:

But first!  Let me just say something here.  OH my FuckingFuck.  Had the best weekend, EVAR.  With an ‘A’.  My NBF* C@th and I get on like a dog given hornygoatweed tablets with a fire-hydrant.  Mutual leg humpage abounds. 

Then.  Australia has been shelved for right now.  I’ve decided that it just can’t happen for me right now.  My next plan?

DURBAN BABY!

I have inherited the most beautiful housemate in the world, who comes completely complimentary with one fully grown almost 3 year old angel named Cameron.  Yes, its true.  I’m awesome, I know.  Not leaving the country. Instead, moving in with Cath and Cam.  Yay.  I’m so excited.  There will be perving out my bedroom window, to a fabulous topless young man who lives in the building across the road.  I have a balcony that looks out onto the sea and the city – night time is ambience personified. 

I am happy.  And excited. And unemployed, please give me a job.  Se.ri.ou.sly.  Come on, I’m good…at stuff.  GIVE ME A JOB!

Monday.  Sigh.  I want to go back to the Cathcam home.

*NewBestFried, you beautiful dumbasses.

Procrastination…I’ll find a title later.

I have *so* been avoiding the paperwork on the whole Ozzie immigration thing.  I was meant to spend the weekend reading through visa regulations and rules, and filling out forms, but the thought of another weekend on the coast just made my skin crawl.

I’ve been in JHB since Thursday, midnight, drank coctails with Angel and Glug, finished off a braai and wine and a movie or two, lacked a lot of sleep and have learnt the art of procrastination in immigration mildly.

Caio.

I’m immigrating to Australia

Yep.  I read somewhere the other day that over 750 000 South Africans put in applications for immigration over the 2006 / 2007 period.  That is shocking! But also, understandable.

Our presidents accuse future presidents of corruption, ANC leaders rape HIV infected women and then take a shower in order to cleanse themselves of the disease, Cabinet Ministers tell us to go to bed earlier in order to ‘grow clever’ and save the country power…  South Africa is one hell of a place to grow up in.

I’m starting a new chapter of my blog on this topic.  Come with me as I take the joyful journey through home affairs and immigration custom offices in order to obtain my visa.  Getting my passport was fun enough.

I only had to wait in the que for 2 hours before I was lovingly covered in black ink (from finger to elbow) while getting my finger prints taken, all the while listening to the woman snooorrrking her snot to the back of her throat.  Was delightful. 

For those of you who are wondering, my mind is finally made up.  I have applied for a Student Visa in order to complete my Psychology degree.  I’ll probably be there for a long time.  My mom is pretty upset, but knows I need to do this for myself.  I’m just anxious to get going. 

So there you go.  Update on my life.  Also, welcome to any new readers brought here by googling "Jacob Zuma is a big hairy prick head" or "Thabo Mbeki you big bad son of a bitch".  You clearly fit in very well here. 

Smiley face.

Health, wealth and a lobster like tan – here’s an update on me!

So. It’s been a while. I know by now you all think I’m being all mysterious and quiet on purpose but actually, you’d be wrong.

There’s been so much going on, this real life stuff is pretty hectic, hey? Let me list for you what I’m talking about here:

1. The Berg was amazing and exactly what I needed – a place in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the black swans and ducks to listen to me screaming inside my head. I did some writing that amazed even me. This blook* is coming on very nicely, let me tell you. I’ve done a few chapters that made me cry, laugh and cringe all at the same time. The girls were fabulous, and drove me nuts. I went hiking, watched a raptor falcon show and drove the four and a half hours home chatting to Andrew’s friend Jax on the phone, all the while sporting a very sexy lobster-like sunburn. Noice.
2. I’ve acquired insomnia. It’s fucking annoying, yo. Thank god for DSTV though and Girls of the Playhouse Mansion. Kendra rocks my world with her stupidity. Her boobs are nice too. With this insomnia comes migraines that cannot be gotten rid of if I had to stand on my head and blow blue bubbles out of my bum. Just yesterday I vomited from them thrice. All over my shiny bathroom floor. Delightful, no? Solution? Go to doctor many times which costs more money than I care to spend, but proves worthwhile as he has a sexy Greek ass to perv at, and even held my hand while comforting me after he says it might be possible I have a brain tumor. Yup, that’s right. Says it could be from the day Andrew died and I went horse riding and fell off and got concussion and amnesia for those frightful ten minutes.  Lovely. Not only am I in love with a dead guy, but he causes me to get a maybe tumour. What an asshole. But hey, I’m strong like Russia, and a bull, and maybe even like the leaning tower of Piza, so lets not get too stressed just yet, okay? Fanks. I’m going for a cat scan tomorrow so for those of you who pray, do your holding hand, kneeling in front of the idol, squeezing your beads while saying 10 hail mary’s thang, and for the rest of us – lets cross all appendages please.
3. Had dinner with my momma which was entertaining to say the least. She bored entertained the waiter (named “Tender Care” {TC for short}) for twenty minutes by telling how many ankle biters she’s pushed out of her vajayjay in the last 23 years. Then starts crying as I’m pointed to and tells poor Tender Care that I nearly doid when I was born with a hole in my heart, and now might have “a worm in my (her) head that could cause me to fall over stone dead”. Shot, Mom. Love you lots too. Then, to really put the cherry ontop of the cake, David the Car guard gets all her change plus a R50 note just because she’s known him since “ABSA days fifteen years ago, Sheena-Laura, he started out selling koeksisters, you know.” (My, how far he’s come, thinks I). Good news is that my dinner was a class act, and they even got the steak perfect, which is a feat for such a fussy eater like me.
4. I’m leaving for Australia. Yup, the rumours are true. I am a soon to be expat for an indefinite period of time. I’m not too keen to come back to the country only to start all over again with nothing, so until something amazing comes my way – I’ll be a cork hat yielding immigration nightmare all the way over in the land of Oz. My time line looks to be departing in the beginning of March which suits me right down to the earthy ground as I plan to do sweet bugger all until then, except for maybe sucking the last bit of summer into my lily white legs. As Kimbo said, it seems like my lower half doesn’t belong to the rest of my body after last weeks impromptu tan. Woes me.
5. I was asked out by a guy I’ve had my eye on for years. I said no. What is wrong with me?  Seriously, my Asexual joke was only said in jest, honest, but now it seems like I have no desire to be loved, or love anyone else. I don’t have enough room in my tiny conceited heart, I think.
6. This is turning into a rant post, so I’ll stop here. It also smells like a rat died and went to heaven in this office. I’m going to do some catching up on all of you as soon as possible. I’m dying to hear the latest, so you better make it good!

In the words of fabulous Ms. Kabintsimbi,

Over and Out.

* Blog/book combo that I’m doing. If you don’t know what I’m on about you must live under a rock – must suck to be you.

Things you find when spring cleaning

Firstly, I am really excited – I have managed to connect to the net off my phone, using my pc. COnvertion to a geek is almost complete, it seems. Well done, me!

Secondly, My family have gone. Sad face. I am tired from crying. I came home to find a letter Ash left me, and just sobbed. I keep saying this, but I am *so* grateful I had this time with them. My goal has been set, I want to go to Oz by March next year, just for a holiday, but also to check it out and see if its worth moving there or not.

Thirdly, I have had a busy day and spring cleaned my flat. The things I found! Unbelievable! Here have a list:

• Condom. To be used by Feb 2008. That gives me four months people. I need to find that shag I keep waffling about to my mates. The problem is I have too many needs for one person to satisfy, and I’m not prepared to sleep with a random. I am so over that. Not that I have ever had sex with anyone I didn’t love. Ahem.
• Seventeen little fluffy toys for SusieQ and Milo, although Milo only has one tooth, but what the hell – he can ‘gum’ them to death as apposed to Suse’s biting them and ripping every last shred of fluff, like she has done with all the others.
• Four books I have never read. Bonus.
• Three pairs of jeans with price tags still on them. Double bonus. (Except I was reminded of how bad my shopping fetish once was).
• A candy striped bag. What was I thinking?
• Photo’s and more photo’s. (one was of a willy. don’t ask).
• A packet of dog bones with green stuff on it, I am presuming mould.
• This cord (now) sticking out of my laptop to connect to the net. Triple bonus.
• Five lighters. I hid them to not lose them, then forgot where I had done the hiding.
• An entire make up bag, complete with Clinique face wash.

Hope your weekend was peaceful. If not, I hope it was raucious and madly wild.

Famdamily

So, its three more sleeps until my family leaves. I have really had such a good time having them stay with me. I thought it was going to be crowded, but I’ve loved every minute of it and to be honest, am dreading being alone again. I’m going to have to relearn how to live by myself.

On Saturday, Australia will become an even better place as my family arrives closer to my two best friends in the computer, Amy & Rob. They’ll be in Perth, guys, so promise me that if either of you two go near there, you’ll go say hi, okay?

I’ve learnt things about me, while having my dad around daily for the first time since I was a little itty bitty ankle biter. Its brought us so much closer, and I’m really glad.

Highlights of having my family with me the last two months:

1. Tuesdays will never be the same. They are now known as Fucky-wucky nights, and Ash and I find every excuse to get out of the house that night. Two guesses why.
2. Dad and Darryn stealing a pubs two rugby mascots in their inhebriated state. Dad felt guilty the next day so gave them a make over, spruced them up and delivered it in a box back to the pub with an anonomous apology riddle. The next time we went back there, the mascots were placed so high up, a giant would struggle to reach it.
3. My father finally got the chance to meet all my good friends. One of them, F, collapsed laughing when Dad stood on the table to be the same height as he greeted him.
4. Trace and I have become even closer than we were before and I truly do think of her as my udder-mudder.
5. I am going to need a holiday once they are gone, just to get myself back into the motion of going to bed early and staying at home during the week.
6. Late at night, when I should have been sleeping like a normal person, Ash and I stay up giggling like bloody idiots, adding to the list of our clutchplate dictionary. Here, have some examples:

• Hoeknaal: toenails.
• Vat are very cool – no explanation necessary, I’m sure.
• you is a anoos
• How lamm is that (lame)?
• more to be added later, I have to finish this post immediately and check emails.