Sometimes you hear things that will make your heart stop.  Words will fail you and your ears will ring in panic.  Panic that is unfounded, as usually by the time you hear the thing of which I speak, it is already too late to do anything.

My mom called me this morning. I had been asleep, and the first words I heard were that of her telling me my friend had died.

From what we know, he was in a boating accident yesterday and was thrown overboard somehow and drowned.  His body has not yet been recovered.

I don’t know how, I don’t know why and I don’t know who he was with.  I don’t know if there’ll be an official funeral because it’s illegal to have that without a corpse.  I don’t know why he’s been proclaimed dead already.  Talfer says I should hope, but in a dam with so much dark water and many undiscovered caves, he may never be found.

I am heart broken.  One of my hopes of coming to Johannesburg was to spend time with him and his friends again like I did in the December holidays.  I spoke to him last week.  He sounded so alive, as always.  With his Afrikaans oxsent and everyfing.  His friends are lost withouth him, his parents are devastated.  He was an only child, so my siblings and I were the closest thing he had to brothers and sisters.  We grew up together, with us kids causing chaos and the parents getting pickled.

My mom can’t even talk to me because everytime she phones I just croak at her.  I can’t remember the last time I felt this heavy, this far away, this completely remote and distant from being normal.  I am totally and utterly, with every breath I take, so sad.

Carrot, my bonehead brother, I will miss you so much with all your quirks and charm and langarming techniques that you could never get me to get right.  You were the highlight of my holidays and the ache in my belly caused by your antics that made us all laugh.  I am so grateful we had December.  It was the perfect way to say goodbye, unbeknown to us all.

Your mom.  Your mom is a shell.  Your dad, usually so witty and strong and intelligent is intelligible.  He cannot string a sentence together, Carrot. It’s because he’s lost without his duplicate.  I’m so afraid for them.  I sit here typing this with my ugly cry face and my burning throat, trying to quiet the sobs.  I keep wanting to say I’m sorry but I don’t know who to say it to.  I keep wanting to pick up the phone and check for an email from you, full of stupid humour and wit, but to think there’ll never be another.  I want to go back to my trashed items and undelete them all.  Keep them in a folder.  Your folder.

I’m so afraid to see Theo and Hanno.  They loved you like a brother.  They’re still in shock.  When I see them it’ll be like seeing you, except a vital part of the trio will be missing.  Your memorial will be horrible.  There’ll be so many of us kids in heartbreak.  What will I do?  I’m the oldest now.  How is anyone meant to take over where you left off?  It’s not even possible.  Such a waste of a life.  Such a tragic end.  So uncalled for and so very much misunderstood.

I want to write more, in the hopes this weight on my heart will be gone, but it’s not working.  For the first time in a long time, writing does nothing.  My friend… my friend.  He’s gone.

The worst thing about life, is death and I want to vomit.


  1. LucasGo says:

    Really very sorry to hear that – from personal experience, as cliche as it is, some things just need time. The hardest part of life I agree and very hard to accept.

    Stay strong.

  2. Amy says:

    Agreed – death is the hardest part of living, but thankfully the bits that prove so difficult are the ones that make us stronger.

    You’ll see, i promise.

  3. laina says:

    Aww my Sheena, How sad, our deepest sympathies to his parents and to you guys. I will phone Mom tonight. I Love you my darling xxxxxxxxxx

  4. Psy Stud says:

    Pls don’t take this the wrong way, as I mean to help. You REALLY need to see someone about this. I am a final year psychiatry student at UCT and I have never seen a clearer case of Mnchausen’s by proxy.
    It would be in your best interests to seek medical help immediately.

  5. flark says:

    Your outpouring is a beautiful dedication to the person. Deepest sympathies and may all the friends and family provide each other with the strength to get through this time

  6. Stalker says:

    I am so sorry my friend, was this the same december pole dancing crazy evening at tav with me you and mat boy?

    I have chicken skin from your post love you lots and miss you more wish I could be there to give you a hug


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