Bye bye maternity

At the time of this writing it has been 125 days and 17 hours since Aiden was born. Aside from the first 3 weeks when he was in NICU, I haven’t been apart from him for more than three hours. In a week from today, I will be back at work and I have to leave Aiden with a group of strangers. I feel sick about it.

As much as I’m looking forward to getting the use of my brain back, I’m going to miss my little guy. How do I go from having unlimited time with him to a maximum of two hours a day where he’ll be awake in my presence?

Maternity has been the hardest, most scariest time of my life. I’ve been left to my own devices to work out how to care for this kid of mine. There have been moments of projectile vomit and choking, hours of endless cramping and whining, days of explosive nappies and insomnia.

But there have been months of smiles, moments of giggles, ages of smiles and watching this little boy of mine blossom into a little human has been such an honour. With every milestone I thank God for the hugest blessing he has given me.

Just in the last two weeks Aiden has learnt to grab for things, gurgle, reach up to my face, giggle, take little steps from side to side while being held up right. He’s almost caught up to his full term milestones, despite being born six weeks early. He’s such a clever little guy and he absolutely loves playing and keeping himself amused. His favourite thing ever is to go for a car ride (which lasts about thirty two point five seconds because he then falls asleep to the rhythm of the engine).

I worry that he won’t be observed at school like I observe him. What if he decides to sit up by himself and nobody notices it? What if he grins like he usually does, with his whole being, and nobody smiles back at him? When they feed him at school, will they play with his fat little toes like I do? What will he think when he wakes up from a nap and coos for me and I don’t come? What if for the first few days at school he thinks I’ve abandoned him?

I’m driving myself nuts. I know he will be fine, that he will survive this, that he won’t grow up feeling neglected, that I’m not the first (nor will I be the last) mom to feel this way. I just wish I didn’t feel quite so bloody guilty of doing something that I know can only benefit our family in the long run.

Bye bye maternity, hello working moms world.

car seat

The excitement he shows when he knows we’re about to go for a car ride.

chair

This face. Squeeeeeeze.

cot

Cute and he knows it.

cute

If it fits in his little hands, it gets put straight into his mouth.

kiki

Introduced Aiden to a picture of his older sister this weekend. He was fascinated for about ten seconds before it became edible.

toes

Oh the places these toes will go…

 

7 comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Great article. I can do much relate to what you are going through. My maternity leave went very fast and its hard going back to work….I don’t think the guilt ever completely goes away.. It’s had caused me to re-evaluate my work and realise i’d much rather work for myself and be more flexible with my time esp when number 2 comes into the picture. I havent made it happen yet, but hopefully soon all the best, its easier for them to adjust than us x

  2. zayaans27 says:

    Oh gosh, when I went back to work my husband resigned to be a stay at home dad and I STILL felt this way. Because for 4 solid months it had just been me and the kid and I knew all his idiosyncracies and webhad a way of doing things and I didn’t know if the husband would know all the THINGS. It will be okay. You’re doing what’s best for everyone and I’m sure you’ve chosen great people to take care of Aiden.

  3. Bianca says:

    The guilt never really goes away, but you learn to live with it. What will happen though is that you get VERY selfish with your boy over the weekends. Wedding. What – my kid cant come. Uh – no thanks.

    Then they grow older and when those wedding invites come you don’t even ask – you phone the baby sitter straight away, because – hello! Date night!

Comments are closed.