Appliance Apprehension

Appliance Apprehension
The thing about living alone, as a female, if things go awry I have to fix them by myself. Thats all fair and well, except most of the time I just have no clue. I’ve always surrounded myself with men, be it my dads, brothers or boyfriends, for the first time in my life, I am ace out. Alone. Independant. Yes, I know what you are thinking, this is what I WANTED, and it is. But shit man, now I know why its taken me this long to make the big move, take the big step, spread my wings, cut the apron strings etc etc etc…

Yesterday afternoon I decided I was sick of instant food and tin soups, so I got out some veggies, a bit of chicken and prepared to cook myself a proper meal for the first time since I moved in. Only problem was, my stove is non existant, so I had to grill the chicken and microwave the gem squash. The frikkin chicken caught on fire. I ran around (well, hobbled, since I can’t actually RUN because of my broken foot) looking for water (which made the flames worse, naturally) and eventually resorted to throwing my good kitchen towel into the frying pan. It now has ugly burn holes in it, I had to throw it away. I hadn’t breathed normally for more than two minutes when the pumpkin blew up in the microwave. I spent thirty bloody minutes cleaning seeds out of the airvent in the microwave, and at least five minutes running the griller under hot water trying to get the smell off fire off the sides. I then decided it was safer to just microwave 2 minute noodles. But I went to go shower and forgot about them and in the middle of shampooing my hair, I heard a smash and shatter in the kitchen. The glass bowl had overheated and was blown into smitherenes, and water was leaking out the microwave, down the counter into the cupboards and all over the floor. By the time I had sorted out said fires, glass shattering and vegetable explosions, I ended up turfing the food in the bin and cracking open a can of spagetti and tomato sauce. Not wanting to risk cutting myself with any possible glass breakages, I ate it out with a fork, straight out the can.

Today, as I sleepily walked through to make myself coffee, I ended up throwing milk into the kettle instead of water, spooning three heaps of coffee into the mug and only one sugar, obviously for any awake & normal person this would be quite obvious that I was meant to do that the other way round. My microwave wouldn’t start (must be the bloody pumpkin seeds, stupid fuckers) so I called Neighbour Jeffery over, and he patiently explained to me that no, it was definately not a problem with the electric plug, I had most likely blown the engine thingy that makes the microwave start up. I need to buy a new one.

This afternoon, I went out to buy globes for my bedside lamp. This has taken me three weeks, and I was sick of waking up in the middle of the night to switch the main light off, when I was too tired to get up and do it before I fell asleep. Easy solution, I thought – I’ll just buy a globe and fix my lamp, then I don’t have to get out of bed when I want to go to sleep in darkness, I can just reach over and kill the lamp. But I didn’t bargain walking into the shop and having to CHOOSE which type of globe! I mean really, why do they need so many different variations?! neeless to say, I got home with the wrong type, and ended up calling Neighbour Jefferey over again. Thank the little baby Mohammed that his wife, Lee, is so understanding of me being such a dimwit, (we’ve been friends for years) otherwise she would surely think I was after her husband in a seductive and adultress manner. Jeff eventually came back with the correct globe and taught me how to change it. So I did it, and redid it three times, just so I was sure.

The brightside is, now I know how to change a globe. The dark side? I am still without a microwave or stove. Anybody know how to make mash potato using a frying pan only? I’ve been craving for weeks!