Anger, alcohol and aliveness

It’s not often I get angry. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I was actually mad with rage. But yesterday I was. It’s a long detailed story, so lets not get stuck on semantics, but I will tell you one thing, I was mad.

I react weirdly to things that anger me. I think I’ve trained myself so well to stay in control of my emotions usually, so when a horrible thing like anger comes along, I don’t know how to behave in front of people, so I run.

I sat at work and cursed a bit, then I flagged down a girlfriend who was in the mall and raged at her a bit about nothing specific, which made it even worse. I’ve been explicitly told not to discuss this situation, but that isn’t why I kept the details behind, its because if I actually told any of my friends what was going on, they would laugh at me and tell me to get over it and move on. I’m not quite ready for that just yet.

Any way, legs and hands were shaking, jaw was clamped shut, instant head ache and a feeling to get out and away from where I was, had me shutting down my laptop so fast, and heading for my car. There I sat, for what seemed like two minutes – but was ten – just breathing, to calm myself down.

Eventually I decided to do what I always do when things are amiss; I went and sat on the beach. In the rain. When it got too cold, I sat inside my car, at the beach, in the rain, with the music on full ball and just breathed.

Onced I’d calmed down, I called an old friend and told him to pick me up in fifteen minutes and make me hopelessly drunk.

I regret the last line, because he took me completely for granted and got me to wash all his clothing while I was at his house. I would have never done that sober!

Dear Jesus, please let me out of this hang over alive and able to eat something today? I’m really, really hungry!