A wee bit of an issue…

I woke up the other day to a raging pain in my ass.  Literally.  Now, I’m no stranger to pains in the ass what with having to wrestle the maid in order to do my laundry, or growing up with 5 younger siblings.  But a literal pain in my ass is, well, a pain in the ass.

I rolled out of bed much like one would when one’s bottom is on fire and cautiously made my way to the loo in order to have a reverse look at the back side of my backside, thinking that maybe something had journeyed its way into the brown eyed speckled freckle.  But nothing was there.  It was only when I found myself heaving like a mother trucker and doubled over with pain to my abdomen that I had an epiphany.  It hit me like a flash of blinding light on an evening at midnight without electricity: I haven’t poohed in days.

Prepare yourself, dear readers, for I am about to embark on a journey never travelled before on this here blog.

The thing is, see, it’s not that I don’t want to pooh.  It’s not that I don’t even like to pooh.  It’s not even that I just kind of just forgot.  There’s a very, very serious problem at hand that I haven’t spoken to you about before: other than Cath and my mother, I can’t pooh if there is anyone else in the building.  Not even if I know my housemates are upstairs.  Because truly, what if they hear a plop?  What if they know what I’m doing right that very second?

So imagine then, my absolute horror if there’s anyone else around.  Specifically, Jon.  Or worse, if I’m at his house.  Plus, I’ve had Tiff staying over, haven’t I?  It’s a bit of a sticky situation guys.  It’s shit! [Every single letter of that pun was intended, by the way.]  Anyway.  I’m approaching death here, people.  How do I get over this dilemma?

Of course, all of this is completely hypothetical.  Girls don’t pooh.  Unless its little bursts of gas made of rose petals and Coco Chanel No. 5

11 comments

  1. MeeA says:

    Oy vey! Someone I went to boarding school with used to roll up a wad of toilet paper and drop it into the loo before assuming the position. It would absorb any plops that might otherwise have been heard…
    I reckon the increased toilet paper expense beats the kak and drama (literally!) that you’ll have to deal with if you develop colon/other back passage issues due to not going when you should.

  2. Po says:

    Mwahahaha I have the same problem but I kind of got over it. If you put loads of toilet paper in the bowl before you poo it often absorbs the sound. You need to poo, girl.

  3. Amy says:

    Good lord child – do you think your housemates dont pooh ? And i’m pretty sure that Jon, being a man and all, definately poohs.

    Its natural, everyone does it, and you need to do it too! Go Sheena go! 🙂

  4. Gen says:

    Hehehehehehe – I love your blog (only been lurking for about a year) and when I read this post I just had to comment! I have the exact same fear – SERIOUS…..my husband calls it “kakHuis stress” lol – It is serious and I know exactly how you are feeling!

  5. flarkus says:

    Get thee to yonder loo do the deed! You wouldn’t wanna develop colon cancer because you’re embarressed that someone might hear your raucous blaring in the bathroom

  6. Angel says:

    Oh lawdy Sheena… just when I thought you couldn’t be more strange! just put loo-roll into the bowl before you sit down like I do! Then no-one will hear anything!!
    😛

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